Trying to find the humor

This time of year is hard on us as it is–but to make it worse, living above an abusive person makes it worse–he is abusive to his wife, whom is our landlord—it triggers us horribly, our PTSD, as well as all those other thoughts–we try to stand up for ourselves and our MH–ask when all gets too loud–but this past month it backfired–he turned on us–we were called almost every name in the book, threatened to be kicked out, and ultimately told that he hoped the F*** B**** F*** dies–very trigger and very hard to swallow–still is–this past week they were away briefly, but the son stays here at time–and keep in mind the apple doesnt fall far from the tree as he too does the same stuff his father does and for us it was no vacation–well today we now get informed by the miss downstairs (our landlord) that we are now also thought of crazy bitch, a liar, stealer, among other things—and yeah at first, and if take it in context it hurts–hurts alot–as we struggle with the triggers–

however, as my son saw me crying, and was witness to some of the stuff we supposedly lied about it dawned on him, and me as i said to him, well yeah “I guess now we are liars, stealers, crazy, ect, all according to 5 abusive drug users.”  and as soon as we said that, my son starts laughing–as the tears are flowing—and he laughs more and says you gotta admit mom, putting it THAT way, it sounds funny—so yeah vowing now to take those words and laugh because yeah, it did read, sound funny.


Empty mailbox :(

When people say, me included that they have a hard time, and alone this holiday–believe them—The common response, so we get is “Oh you are not alone, you have your son.” umm duh we know that, but unless you been there obviously you do not understand what we mean–it isnt (at least for us) the entire concept of being physically alone, but more so of alone, thought of, anything like that–again at least for us because we do–it is a horribly lonly time for us–and dont get us wrong, we dont mind being alone, dont mind no relationship per se–but it is a lonly time of year–it is the time of year in reality where people reach out to others, people do things for others, people reach deep down into their hearts and either donate to charity, donate their time, their energy, their heart where ever—the time of year where families come together, friendships come together–you send out your annual holiday card (or internet text now a days)–but that time of year where people connect–connect on a heart, deeper level–again all our opinion–but to us that is where the lonliness lies–sure we will be able to physically (and yeah will enjoy it the best we can) watching our son open his few gifts–but it is the days before going to the mailbox hoping for a card, and nothing–the little texts, the little emails, phone calls that say hey thinking of you this time of year–or the little “secret santas”, the cookies, the idk, the everything—the memories, the hope, the dreams, the hey we think of you too–idk again–just to us that is why we are alone, and having hard time–not sure if anyone understands that–we struggle every second getting through the next—and totally feel like charlie brown as again we check our empty mailbox 😦

Blessings, and thoughts to EVERYONE who reads this

Good ridence 2017

I am usually not one that makes New Years resolutions–I honestly just try to survive each day–but this year am making one–to NOT reach out to others, but to remind myself that I am truly alone and will always walk alone–and try to remind myself that that is okay–been a hard year (when isnt it) but my living situation is worse, as well as the holidays are hard–always been the type of person who either reached out to others (honestly only to get shafted)-but more so been one who reached out to support others, to offer my heart, my soul, my comfort–and tried so hard to do the “little” things for others because I know what it is like to walk alone, and to struggle–and it hurts like hell–so I wanted to brighten others–so they knew they werent alone–but am done with that—maybe will change my mind but being on FB hurts, doing thing for others makes me feel good, but it hurts like hell to not even get a smile back from anyone–it is like i have the plague, well guess depression, and MH issues are the plague-so this next year i will walk alone–and will try my best to survive alone–and anyone who reads this, remember YOU are NOT alone–feel free to stop by here any time.

the truth shall set you free????

Been struggling alot lately–right now the topic of work place sexual harassment–all you seem to read and hear anymore–as new victims come out days, months, years later–as society again says why did they wait, they just want publicity, yada yada yada–to me it takes the stronger one to come out–but also a stronger abuser to at least and formost admit their wrong doing–for lack of better words, commend those that do–however I loathe those that dont–cringe at those that say fake news, they are lying, never happened–as you see not one but dozens whom come forward with similar stories–ummm seriously??? I am a strong believer that all accusations should be believed and most of all investigated–

as I write this my heart sinks again as i see names on the news—but more so, this triggers me, and my depression, as well as other thoughts–this happened to me in a work place–by more then one powerful elected official and law maker–was going to write about it, but guess for me the shame is still there–even after 10 years–sadly enough instead of karma happening to them—I am the one who struggles with depression, but worse ultimately lost my job. Maybe as this slows down will try and write more–just cant now 😦

Teens trying to fit in??? :(

Feeling stuck here and unsure again how to handle–I know my son, my teenager–and as much as he doesnt want to admit it he struggles with anxiety–nothing to be ashamed of–but as a parent, and a parent that experiences it myself I see the signs–I have taken him in to be evaluated, but at this time there is not much of anything anyone will do so I try to teach him how to deal with it–the teen years make it worse, as for right now–he is one who hates talking in front of people (as in a class), doesnt raise his hand, doesnt ask questions, and kind of just cowars so to speak–when he knows he has to present himself the anxiety gets worse and sometimes he makes himself “sick” so to speak and his heart races—I try to encourage him as a parent to take baby steps–if he doesnt want to speak TO teachers with questions, then email, at least it is something–he even panics about this (the emails)–he is so afraid of their reactions, the reactions when he gives presentations (of other students as well as the teachers), afraid of the teachers responses, and even afraid of teachers thinking he is stupid, unworthy, bad, not good enough, ect—all the things teens struggle with anyway–I try to tell him that the teachers would be appreciative (so I think/thought)–I have emailed some of his teachers letting them know of this dilemna, his anxiety, him not speaking, ect–they all say thanks for letting them know–i reinterate to try to be encouraging to him–how the anxiety kicks in, ect—well this past weekend one of his teachers was so NOT understanding at all–my son has a class and he didnt do good on the test–he could do the questions over (all the kids could) and then meet with the teacher at some point and get extra point–the teacher also wanted them to come to help night and or a tutor—well we cant go to help night (no car) and cant afford a tutor–both things we told the teacher at the beginning of the semester–she seemed to be understanding–bringing this type of thing up embarasses my son–I know he just wants to fit in, and honestly understand (even though it hurts)–well all week been trying to get my son to email the teacher, to make the initiative about the test–he did the corrections and said he made stupid mistakes, that he fixed them—i told him email the teacher explain, and hopefully she should be understanding–he agonized about it all week–afraid the teacher would criticize him, degrade him, ect—the anxiety was horrible–but each day i tried to be encouraging—well this friday evening he finally emailed her (me thinking finally, i know how hard it was for him and proud he did)–he was terrified of her response (as honestly i was thinking, what kind of teacher would respond negative, right??)–well was I wrong—today he got an email back—he was terrified to open it/read it–i said go ahead, again thinking proud of him for writing—and low and behold the email was full of criticisms–first she gripes at him that it too him so long to write, second that since he took too long she will NOT be giving him any credit for the work he did, he was to get with a tutor and since he couldnt he was to get with her and have her sign it and now it is too late–she pretty much said he was lazy, and that he was totally unknowledgeable about the topic on the test and how poorly he did–(which in all honesty is exactly what scared my son and gave him anxiety a response like this)–he was so upset, hurt, mad he threw down the phone, was going to rip up his hard work, was crying, ect—-after a few hours he FINALLY calmed down and we went to the store–I explained to him how i too felt her response was inappropriate (especially since someone at his school just took his life due to grades, ect)–that she should at least wrote some encouraging words that thanked him for emailing, thanked him for taking the time, but that it was late however she would meet with him–something that was not ALL critical–sigh..he is nervous now about the class–sure he is even more nervous about ever writing a teacher again—but he is suppose to try and give her the test anyway after class, tell he her tried, knows he wont get credit, but wanted her to see it anyway)–honestly not sure if he will—and it is hard for me to be encouraging about that—-really debate writing a counselor at the school about the email, but unsure—it is just replies like that from the teacher that discourage my son, and am sure others who struggle with teen issues, fitting it, and anxiety–sigh=====not sure what to do

Are we really our GPA, ect

Been a long time, so it seems–one dark valley after another–after the food stamp cut, now I have Dept of Treasurey (from school loans) going to garnish my SSI–was so proud of my college degrees–now just the constant reminder of how “pathetic” we are-trying to fight the garnishing, but it isnt going very well and get so tired of fighting for everything–we fight every day for “survival” so to speak anyway–anything else is exhausting as am sure many know.

Writing today though for something else–it has been suicide prevention–and a day after my sons HS puts on a program on that a senior takes his own life–not writing that to make a connection, just more the irony–hard for kids/teens to comprehend and understand–my sons response was “why, he is a senior?”–not to sure how to explain some of that to him–as we talk about the pressures of HS in general, especially now a days–seems anymore the schools are so (well more the “criteria”) on GPS, grades, and tests–the more points, the better–and passing all the federal and state now standards–when I was in school, yeah way way way back when it wasnt like that–and the way schools are you either learn THIS way or you are screwed–my son actually tested into his school, was a straight A student–but even in Elementary school the teachers didnt like the “way” he learned–he was a memorizer–he was more artistic–he did not like writing–he would draw pictures instead and get an F–at one point I held him back (honestly he was struggling, but mainly because we were moving anyways, and just thought it would be better for him, his self esteem, ect in the long run)–this turned out to be true–but once HS has been here–he struggles–I have always pushed doing well in school, excelling, ect–do your work before play, checking everything–even as he started HS a few years ago–now I dont do that as much and just tell him how important his grades are for a future–he gets it, he understands…but… yeah some of the teachers just dont teach the way he learns best (no not blaming the teachers in any sense)–but it makes it hard–my son has his own “anxiety”, hates talking in class, questions, let a lone get in front of the class–sometimes he has panic attacks–I tell him to do the best he can–to try–well…. as a teen he doesnt do that so on participation grades he gets 0–of course as a parent–“mad”–but also trying to work with him–informed the teachers of his panic attacks–but it just goes no where—or some other classes where he does great on homework, projects, but when it comes to tests he bombs–therefore averaging a D in some classes-when he isnt a D student—i try to tell him to talk with the teachers, to do the extra credit–but in that sense when he gets home he is exhausted–he gets up at 5 and doesnt get home till 5—all school related, not extra curricular—a long day for a teen and he says when i get home I am tired and tired of learning–i understand that, however….. your teachers and grades dont–i try to be supportive–not making excuses–but am not sure what to do–am I doing it wrong–should i be more on him–i understand his anxiety, his test anxiety–but his future will also suffer–that is the way the state seems to be–i try to tell him to do his best–and he says he is–i know he is smarter then that…but, now babbling–just unsure how to handle it, where to draw the line but on the flip side NOT discourage, and reinterate that his GPA is all that matters—especially since rumors were that had a big reason why the student took his life–just sometimes it seems so much pressure on teens and kids now a days–and sadly enough, guess us parents add to that–know this was babble–sorry

Missing you

This is one of those things i keep putting off–been wanting to write, but out of site out of mind for us–and that is exactly what been doing—made some reference to it, but back in end of February I lost one of my dearest friends to su–and as I write that, the tears flow–unfortunately she wasnt the first–and I learned the last time that keeping fb friends with her page (the first was Lisa a dear dear fb, college) friend of mine–anyway as I went to Lisa’s page it was always the reminder of those feelings: sadness, lost, and for me envy–i know how bad that sounds–and a lot of guilt—this time the same feelings, envy is really big–dont say much but we had a “pact”–wont go into the details, but..well..yeah… she gone, we still here–but so much sadness, lost, and with her lots of guilt–guilty that isnt relevant, really but so real to us-we often wonder did we not do enough, reach out enough, ect–will refer to her as Gen.. Gen and us had so so much in common–a commonality that was more then just liking, disliking the same things–we never met–we talked a few times (not much) and texted—until the very end when for the last few months we went in hiding—truth be told things triggered us–mainly due to the commonlarities–but more so we felt we were hindering her and her healing….so we pulled away–a few weeks (if that) before–we tried, and she tried to get in contact with us–we only wonder—-but the similarities over all the years we known her was just frightening (and no not in a scary way) but weird way–we were both from the same state, both had similar “things” happen, whenever we would text, write, or read on posts on FB–it was almost the exact thing we wrote, texted, or felt–so deep as our feelings, but also it she had a symptom (medical), a bruise, a cut, or anything—weird how we did to–but never knew how or why–which is part of our MH stuff–it was just so odd–but odd in a good way sometimes because this was truly a kindred spirit to us, a person whom truly in all sense understood—-and now she is gone 😦  it went even as far as her in real life BFF has the same name as ours—-this all still seems so surreal to us–maybe it is because we didnt talk all the time, so it is almost like she, or I is just hiding, trying to deal–and out of the blue we stupidly thing she will write, or text again—all the while our heart knowing it wont happen—we just miss her more then the words here can say—going to try and post a video here–makes me think of her–just truly miss her–she really was the only one—sure it was on FB, cyber world–we dont talk about her, her death, or anything—no one in our life cares about us, or anything—plus not sure any one would really understand–they are our feelings that we are so trying to deal with–some days are better then others–how we miss you–how we miss our BFF…our kindred spirit

Angel by Beverly Mitchell–for you Gen

RIP Gen–fly with butterflies       RIP Lisa P

are we worthy????

Am I really that unworthy?? cant fight the thoughts, feeling, depression–sigh..I have mentioned before the place I live–not sure if wrote how got here–long story if didnt–but I live upstairs from my landlord–used to be someone else, but now is not the best environment–dont see them much at all–the male is a pothead, alcoholic, animal abuser and loud, (we say emotional abuser at the least) anyway the upstairs, where we live has never been finished–something we have been promised for years and years–now keep in mind as you read this, that we have looked for other places, just cant find a place to take someone like us, and it is we need a place that my son can still get to school, us store, ect since no transportation–anyway, this place was suppose to be finished–but it never has been, the floors themselves are horrible, ugly—let alone the leaks in the ceiling, the leaks in the roof, the mold from the leaks, unfinished base boards, a deck (upper) that is falling apart–the leaks destroyed lots of stuff of ours, and the other room is not longer usable do to mold, the winter heat doesnt come up this far, and the central air doesnt either (when they choose to run it)–yeah the landlord knows this, seen it, and yeah has made promises–but now that is few and far between–we quit saying anything and just started documenting, and taking pics–wish could report it, but dont know how—my son has a docs excuse for the mold, and the males cigarette smoking, it hurts his lungs and his lung condition-the extreme heat and cold does too-but that doesnt matter to anyone–the yelling, noise, certain things that are done trigger our PTSD, as well as flashbacks, ect–things we wont get into–but when that happens there are times we cower and yeah just want it to stop—again things the landlord knows, things we have complained about, requested, ect–nothing is done..EVER

Does anyone hear us??? are we worthy of anything?? are we worthy of anything good in our life???ever???

is that reality, or the depression talking????

No good deed goes unpunished…

Been having a real hard time lately–and this past week just got worse–so it seemed–one of those incidents. things that I just dont understand–Obviously I struggle with MH issues, depression being one of them–I briefly mention some of the others–unfortunately too am on assistance–NOT something I like, nor want or wanted for that matter–I much rather be a working productive, helping person in society–work for my keep so to speak, be the parent I am suppose to be–be like it used to be so many years ago with my degrees, ect–anyway that came to an end as I struggle to survive each day–raising my teenage son (who gives me hope)–I hate being on assistance–but this past week we had our “re-evaluation”–having a teenager, in school and having to help clothe him, feed him, prepare him for his adult hood–food, shelter, clothing, and love–unfortunately we depend on assistance–ALOT–as the re-evaluation came I knew (due to another circumstance) that there would be a little cut–but the shock and devastation wasnt even close to it–first I called at my alloted time—a time THEY gave–I called with a phone that I cant afford minutes on, but that I have also through assistance–when I call it usually takes maybe 30 minutes max–but this time was different–was on hold for over an hour–and as the hour turned to longer, my anxiety, depression, and yes the tears and panic starts–going to run out of minutes, cant hang up, cant loose the connection, cant…… as my emotions got worse and worse–my son said hang up, “me I cant..cant miss it…cant lose the assistance…cant…” my son says maybe they forgot you, hang up call again…sigh…cant what if it starts the time over and i lose minutes—tears are now flowing heavily—now keep in mind other times, other years, usually they will zip through everything, and verify nothing changed, and say all is the same—this mainly so I didnt waste minutes–this time was different, oh so different—i begged please hurry in tears, almost out of minutes, please–after waiting for now an hour and half—the lady said need to go through the questions–everything the same I say, other then then thing i sent you–we still need to go through it she says–plz plz hurry–another half hour with questions, dumb one I thought–but at the end, my anxiety and tears already–she states you are getting a cut–oh ok–(because I knew it was some, honestly expecting 50 cut) but she informs me that they are checking everything and I received a $225 cut in assistance—me:are you fucking serious, how am i suppose to feed my son and I–no comment from her as tears are flowing–seriously—i been on hold for so long, wasted minutes only to get told you are cutting it so much—this amount wont even feed a dog for a month–seriously???? I hang up in tears, my son asks what wrong–and all I think and say we got cut–seriously—I dont lie, i dont cheat with my assistance, i dont cheat the government, I have been appreciative–and I get cut–I could be like so many others, I could work under the table, cheat on taxes, do drugs, alcohol, ect and lie about how much my rent, utilities are==but I dont (I stated that because the person who lives below me, also my landlord, her and her husband especially does all that is listed)–I DONT–I do the best I can and yeah I get cut–as my mind spins and I try to figure out how to survive, how to feed, clothe, and get my son ready for school, ect—-all the while my depression kicks in, the tears continue to fall for the past few days, and the thoughts am I worthy of anything??? am i really a burden, how pathetic cant even do anything for my son, sigh…guess the positive it is a good thing I struggle myself with an eating disorder huh.

as I further struggle is it even worth it–survival that is????

No good deed goes unpunished ehh…..

Hockey Highs???

I wonder if anyone really understands what sports (hockey for us) does to a person–Been a hockey fan since college–then in  2009 when my team (Penguins) won a stanley cup it really helped me through a hard time–I know they didnt know that–but for those on here who understand it was a time I was in the “hospital”–at least while the playoffs were going–I got to watch it and there, people would watch with me, and most for the other team–but… it was just nice to have someone there–when I came home that year, my depression again came tumbling down–but kept telling myself if they win the stanley cup–i will hold on–will try and hold on–this was a memory, my then 6 year old son and I shared–now he had a memory–at that time I wrote about hockey–expressed my depression and feelings through hockey in another blog—-

Last year same thing–something about this time of year–but the hockey play offs kept me going–and low and behold they won–a huge memory again for my son and I, who is a teen now and actually remembers–the one thing anymore him and I agree on and get along, and do together–after that win, again my thought—at least now he has a memory–(just in case…) always the depression talking

Now this year–the playoffs came–and again the Pens are in the final–my son and I try and watch together, but this year he is more testosterone so to speak and his anger at the losses, and plays get to him, of which he takes out on me–sigh…I try to hide, and put it behind me–sit him in the “penalty box” LOL–but for someone with depression it is so hard—As the final wound down the series ended Sunday—my mind hopeful (for a brief moment in my life)–my son and I together for a brief moment–as the game is long–but finally about 11:30 pm–PENS score–again back to back Stanley Cup champions–wow, my son and I hug, but also trying to be quiet because of an idiot landlord–a memory again for my son, and the dread in my heart (is this the last??)–my mind raced most of the night–excited in a sense but yet not–getting disappointed because no one to laugh with, excite with, cheers with, celebrate with—alone–alone is what I felt—-as now the emotional exhaustion kicks in

Now a few days after the win, the exhaustion and lonliness gets worse–the depression gets worse, the dark shadow over comes, as my mind doesnt have anyone to share with, nor does my mind have anything else to focus on–as I wonder and think how tired I am–and trying to find the strength again to survive another year??–as odd as it sounds hockey, PENS do so much that I am sure they dont even realize–THANKS


as I wonder does depression, survival ever end–will I ever REALLY smile again?? really??