Maybe it REALLY is me??

I will write next time on the starting of these issues and what I struggle with–but for now stuck in a rut—I starting yet again wonder if maybe it really is me, maybe I am the one in denial of struggling with depression–I know I dont ask for this but over the years I look back on all the things I have tried to help depression (and other MH issues)–tried to make it go away–tried to hide from it—thinking something, anything will make it go away–but yet it doesnt–dont remember the last time I have ever had a “happy” day, or had a real smile on my face–been 10 years now it seems when the true true darkness hit–first tried all the meds, none worked–nothing made it go away and after they started going through the meds again I stopped that–I also tried the homeopathic, and energy stuff–that never helped either so I went for the faith–maybe if i prayed enough, was faithful enough–that turned into deliverance ministry and soon the depression was worse because now am told am a demon–and unfaithful–which makes me feel worse and darker–I have found some triggers of depression, and I so much think if I can find the triggers and avoid them, or try to deal with them differently then maybe the depression will go away–idk–that all hit its head these past few weeks when I know of a huge anxiety and depression trigger–this trigger has temporarily left so I thought that the depression, etc would go away–and you know–IT HASNT–the darkness, tears, struggles are worse…

This makes me realize again the reality of depression, that it aint a choice, that maybe I just need to admit it, continue to try and SURVIVE instead of live–realize that nothing truly makes it go away–sigh…maybe i really am unfaithful, evil, and a lost cause??? could this be true

again later will write more about the beginning

Thanks for reading if you do, and plz know you are not alone

Do people really think.?.?.?

I have seen so many posts lately–many from my fb “friends” who write, state, post sayings that state that if a person wanted to get over depression they could–that they are being depressed on purpose–that they dont “pray” enough (if they did it would go away)-or they dont try hard enough–or if they werent so negative, etc–then depression would go away–SERIOUSLY??? it is times like this that makes my depression worse because I often wonder first, maybe it is my fault, maybe i am not faithful enough, pray enough–or i wonder is it really me?? but then we think “seriously” do people really think we (or anyone) would choose to be like this–that ¬†we want to be like this, that we want this constant darkness, that we want this lack of energy, all we want to do is sleep, this extreme lonliness, the constant thoughts we wont mention–sigh…. this is something i would NEVER wish on anyone–other then to maybe just maybe it would help someone truly understand

I much rather be happy, i much rather live each day then just try to survive, i much rather work and have energy, i much rather walk outside and see “light” instead of darkness, i much rather just about anything–something most do not understand

plz dont judge us, plz dont push us away, plz dont ignore us, plz dont get sick of us and look at us as a burden–when we post on FB, or reach out we so much just wish someone would reach back–but they dont–they think we are looking for attention and turn away–that makes it worse–sorry people but so many just dont understand

REACH out to those–Depression, Anxiety, ED, MH issues are REAL–not just something that can go away or be prayed away

Does anyone understand??

Depression has been strong lately–so much uncertainty, so much change coming up and the worst part for “us” is no support, no understanding-Yeah we know that sometimes on FB some say they do–but sorry it just is not the same as a real life word, real life hug, real life anything–it just totally feels alone to me–yeah internet can be great but not for the realism of help, healing, etc–but then that is just me–through this whole process of my mh issues several years ago, no one understands–not even sure anyone tryed to to be honest–it is better to just let a person struggling alone–to not do anything–so tired of loss, tired of struggling, tired of survival, tired or those words “if you prayed enough”, and just get over it–do people really think we choose this and can just get over it?? seriously, I would never wish this on my worst enemy (other then for them to experience it just to understand it briefly)–meds dont work for me (again will explain at another time)–just tired–tired of survival–but as always will continue to have faith and keep trudging on.

Back to the beginning..

Guess first need to write a little about myself–the struggles of MH issues–honestly not something “we” like to talk about, or write about really–dont like the stigma, dont like the label–that is exactly what this stuff does–labels you–and next to trying to fight the depression, and the issues–we now have to fight the stigma and the label and try to remind ourselves that it is a dx not who we are—but then are we really???? I say that because unfortunately “we” have lost alot through our issues–not by choice, just most (if not all really) family, friends, home, etc has all but disappeared–it is like we have the plague instead of a MH issue—even on FB to be honest no one understands really and they too dwindle away–that hurts and makes the struggles harder–at least for “us”

Obviously depression is the biggest struggle for us–and we know that some of you reading this will say it is our choice, or it is treatable—well unfortunately we are not that lucky-fortunate, etc—our dx was severe untreatable depression–(sure you all will understanding as we write how, when, and what came about)–anxiety, PMDD, su ideation, ED, self harm, and other stuff as well is what we struggle with–again will write more of that in other posts, how they came about, coping mechanisms, and the labeling, and losses–we used to struggle with alcohol, but that is not an issue for us anymore–another thing will write about along the way.

Will also write some of our poetry through out the years

My biggest thing with this blog is to bring some reconition that depression, and MH issues are REAL–we dont want them–and to help others on this earth know they arent alone–and that someone understands and supports (another thing i struggle with horrible–no one walks with us, feel totally lost and alone-not lonely but alone)

 

Where to begin..

Today, first day of 2016–and honestly all my mind thinks is NOT ANOTHER year–plz no more, no more–I have never celebrated the new years–to me, it is just another day–end of the lonly holidays–and end of another year of struggles, lonliness, darkness, depression, MH struggles and most of all SURVIVAL–am going to write in this blog the beginning of my issues, well more i guess the beginning of the “reality” of these issues—i ask that you dont make judgements—you dont make spiritual connotations (been through spiritual abuse which i write in another blog)–just read, support, and most of all believe and believe others that go through this type of thing..THANKS

more of survival–sigh….