Maybe it REALLY is me??

I will write next time on the starting of these issues and what I struggle with–but for now stuck in a rut—I starting yet again wonder if maybe it really is me, maybe I am the one in denial of struggling with depression–I know I dont ask for this but over the years I look back on all the things I have tried to help depression (and other MH issues)–tried to make it go away–tried to hide from it—thinking something, anything will make it go away–but yet it doesnt–dont remember the last time I have ever had a “happy” day, or had a real smile on my face–been 10 years now it seems when the true true darkness hit–first tried all the meds, none worked–nothing made it go away and after they started going through the meds again I stopped that–I also tried the homeopathic, and energy stuff–that never helped either so I went for the faith–maybe if i prayed enough, was faithful enough–that turned into deliverance ministry and soon the depression was worse because now am told am a demon–and unfaithful–which makes me feel worse and darker–I have found some triggers of depression, and I so much think if I can find the triggers and avoid them, or try to deal with them differently then maybe the depression will go away–idk–that all hit its head these past few weeks when I know of a huge anxiety and depression trigger–this trigger has temporarily left so I thought that the depression, etc would go away–and you know–IT HASNT–the darkness, tears, struggles are worse…

This makes me realize again the reality of depression, that it aint a choice, that maybe I just need to admit it, continue to try and SURVIVE instead of live–realize that nothing truly makes it go away–sigh…maybe i really am unfaithful, evil, and a lost cause??? could this be true

again later will write more about the beginning

Thanks for reading if you do, and plz know you are not alone

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