Trying to write when it really began and about my life–I often wonder if we struggled with MH stuff even as a teen/child–but of course back then it never was talked about (not that there is not a stigma attached to it today as well)–I was moody and emotional, but then werent all teens–my father died from cancer when i was 14 (he was 41)–this took a toll on my mom, as well as me and my brother–my moms health went bad, my brother became rebellious (even though now he isnt—that i know off anyways we really dont talk)–and me, well i became depressed, fat, and struggled with wanting to be with him-go visit him and talked about suicide–was I serious, honestly i dont know but I went to a counselor and she helped me cope with my grief–my teen years, and young adult years were hard–my mom became sick (diabetic and other things)–I though went off to college and got a bachelors degree–later to get another bachelors degree in criminal justice many years later–I was married twice–the first was just kind of in love with being in love–we parted as friends–the second marriage I still miss (even though i shouldnt which will explain later)–with him i had a son (well we did, but i say I because he has nothing to do with him, and havent seen or talked to him in 14 years)–anyways jump to the last few years–after my divorce I was a single mom working 2 jobs, and later going to school to work on my masters–was full of life, faith, hopes, and dreams–my mom was my support (emotionally even though she was sick)–she died when i was 33 and my son was 3–she had cancer and i took this death hard–i relied on my faith to get me through-that was in 2004–but I pulled my strength and still continued to work FT, go to school, be a single mom and enjoy life–so I thought–my son and I were on top of the world–walking in the light so to speak–then IT happened–out of no where EVERYTHING came crashing down–pretty much like walking along and the ground drops out and we fall in a deep dark pit–and still stuck there……………… (to be continued)
A topic i read about, well more a post about was self-harm–aka cutting, etc—this can take many forms and honestly many many reasons–i read a post where someone said something i like that is NOT the reason to self harm, that person (possibly a non-self harmer) doesnt get it—and all i wanted to say, really—first how do you know they arent self-harming—like the person that wrote it, they deny it—second it might be their reason, and their reason alone–doesnt mean it is wrong and they dont get it–guess this hit me because “we” are self-harmers–it isnt something we talk about but we are mentioning it here–mainly for the reason because we are sure many would look at us as weird for the reason–we even got criticized by others for our reason–but it is our reason–sure the reason may not be “truth” per se–but to us it is.
our reason mainly is religious, spiritual–we were told not too long ago (this we write another blog on spiritual abuse)–how evil, demonic we were–that all our MH issues, SI (self injury issues), depression, eating issues, ect are all demons and if we prayed enough, had faith enough, submitted enough, went through exorcism and or healing deliverance then all the MH stuff would stop—really????? the demon stuff we write more about in the other blog but yeah after hearing this from ministers we believed it—and since all their praying was not working, and we were so unfaithful, we wanted to be “clean”–“clean” of these demons that took over us–we wanted to LIVE healthy and not have these MH issues–yeah we believe(d) all that and at times still do–but the kicker for us were the words “Covered in the blood”–“Covered” in his blood—-hmmmmm….so we cover ourselves in blood life communion all in hopes to eventually drive the demons and MH issues away
Now plz do NOT write anything bashing here–plz dont laugh or criticize–it takes a lot to write that–but unfortunately it is our reason and started forming innocently from those powerful words from a minister,