Beginning of the end….

I originally wrote this, but it got deleted by mistake–this time of year is so so hard for me–I wrote in another blog the spiritual side of why–but here i will write the MH, depression side–This time of year, well any holiday for that matter–but this time of year 2004 changed my life forever–holidays to me were FAMILY, and MEMORIES–this specific year my mom was dying–(something I will write more about later–she had lung cancer and I thought she had at least 6 months a year)–well I decided I was going to try and make each holiday extra special–so this good friday I took off of work, and my son and I (my son was 2 almost 3) and went and picked up my mom—at this time she could still get up, move, etc–I decided to get her favorite thing, ice cream from the local dairy bar and drive us up to a pond that our family used to go to–it is almost an hour drive, but was a place where the pond never froze and we could feed the ducks–it was peaceful–so we went and got our ice cream–mom a chocolate shake–i dont remember what my son or I got–anyways not even 10 minutes after we picked up the ice cream–everything changed–my mom was literally choking on her first few sips–you see the cancer tumor was growing around her esophogus and wind pipe and choking her, and soon she would just strangle to death–that is why she got a shake-thinking she could drink it–my mom was dying in my car–I pullled over, tears streaming–and soon she stopped choking–she was breathing, but she wanted to go home–I in tears took her home–she wanted to be alone and went into her bed–my son and I left–so much for trying to celebrate that day-so much for the holiday–so much for anything because after that my mom wouldnt leave the house anymore–it was down hill from there–and my memory of her choking, and that day is so vivid–we didnt do a family thing that year, or I havent since–and the memory i used to cherish–well you can guess–and sorry I know just get over it–but the MH stuff I struggle with and depression just dont help–I guess I will close this out by saying plz cherish your memories with your loved ones–it might be the last–I no longer have the family nor the memories–and the holidays are just so lonely

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Those dreaded words–“I am busy…”

What is the point?? I dont think there is one anymore–some may say this is the depression talking, but really it isnt–There are days i get so deep in darkness that I am beyond myself–I have thoughts that spin, spin,spin and try to hide within myself, but it doesnt work–one of my biggest things is I “react”–mind doesnt think, it reacts–as I find myself deploding and sinking faster I decide to try and reach out–and this (at least for me) makes it all worse–First I try my BFF (my so called bff)–i text her, and leave a message for her–am in crisis, plz text or call with something positive–i wont answer if you dont want me too (she often tells me how much of a problem I am, so I try my best NOT to inconvenience her–but sorry sometimes as I put it I want to hear a real voice)–anyways 99.9% of the time i get a text back–that says “i am busy”–my mind says I am in crisis–plz dont say that–i text back imploding, crisis-just leave a message, something, i wont bother you, i know i am a burden, but plz something-and I get ┬áthose dreaded words I am busy again–so now my mind shuts down–my body closes off–and those thoughts I had are intense–even my bff doesnt want me, am a burden, as the words go on and on–so I try the local care/crisis line–and you know what i get there–an answering machine, plz call back later, we are busy—AGAIN, I AM busy–a fucking crisis/care line–they dont even want me–and seriously, later???? it wont matter then–sigh….. so yeah my mind, my heart, my soul—do i really matter–what is the point???? that is why I am so better off alone I guess–no choice–that stuff hurts more then anything-or just recently, like always with this person, I asked would you like to get a coffee while you are home for 4 days (after being told that they have nothing planned)–and I get then too, well I am busy, will have to see if i can fit you in–and again my mind things, yep a burden, i know you dont want to spend time with me, as another part wonders–why is it so hard for you to just schedule a time WITH me–am i that much of a horrible person, disgusting to you and all–how can you call me a friend-to me you MAKE time for them–it is times like that though that I wish someone, anyone just truly understood what it is like, the depression, the mental health, the issues—much rather hear NOTHING, then those dreaded words “I AM BUSY”

It is those little things that mean the most—plz reach out to people, sometimes those little things are the one thing that reminds some one to hold on for just one more day–even if you dont realize the power of those little things

The day all forget, but me,,,,

The time of year that everyone forgets about but me–the day i was born–and not a day goes by that i wonder why did i live (I was born “dead”) and was revived–i dont know why-i struggle with that–then the days i tried to go away–and survived–wonder about that too–why????? not a day goes by that i dont wish otherwise—that being said i hate that day–but more i feel hurt because absolutely NO ONE remembers that day–from someone who struggles so deep with depression, so deep with feeling invisible, so deep with feel no one cares–this one day is worse then any other because i long to hear those words Happy B-Day–or hope you had a good day–i long for some flowers, or a card to brighten my day, just that one day–the words that would help ease the hurt, the invisible feeling–the words that would have for one day, maybe made a difference and I might have thought yeah, me being here on this earth, me being BORN matters–but as the day comes to an end–another year where it doesnt matter–I DONT MATTER–just glad the day is over–and I dont want to hear it anymore–dont want to hear those words because in reality NOW they are meaningless–the day is gone–another year of survival is upon me–another day of the reality how INVISIBLE i really am–and no one cares–the day all forget but me…