Those dreaded words–“I am busy…”

What is the point?? I dont think there is one anymore–some may say this is the depression talking, but really it isnt–There are days i get so deep in darkness that I am beyond myself–I have thoughts that spin, spin,spin and try to hide within myself, but it doesnt work–one of my biggest things is I “react”–mind doesnt think, it reacts–as I find myself deploding and sinking faster I decide to try and reach out–and this (at least for me) makes it all worse–First I try my BFF (my so called bff)–i text her, and leave a message for her–am in crisis, plz text or call with something positive–i wont answer if you dont want me too (she often tells me how much of a problem I am, so I try my best NOT to inconvenience her–but sorry sometimes as I put it I want to hear a real voice)–anyways 99.9% of the time i get a text back–that says “i am busy”–my mind says I am in crisis–plz dont say that–i text back imploding, crisis-just leave a message, something, i wont bother you, i know i am a burden, but plz something-and I get  those dreaded words I am busy again–so now my mind shuts down–my body closes off–and those thoughts I had are intense–even my bff doesnt want me, am a burden, as the words go on and on–so I try the local care/crisis line–and you know what i get there–an answering machine, plz call back later, we are busy—AGAIN, I AM busy–a fucking crisis/care line–they dont even want me–and seriously, later???? it wont matter then–sigh….. so yeah my mind, my heart, my soul—do i really matter–what is the point???? that is why I am so better off alone I guess–no choice–that stuff hurts more then anything-or just recently, like always with this person, I asked would you like to get a coffee while you are home for 4 days (after being told that they have nothing planned)–and I get then too, well I am busy, will have to see if i can fit you in–and again my mind things, yep a burden, i know you dont want to spend time with me, as another part wonders–why is it so hard for you to just schedule a time WITH me–am i that much of a horrible person, disgusting to you and all–how can you call me a friend-to me you MAKE time for them–it is times like that though that I wish someone, anyone just truly understood what it is like, the depression, the mental health, the issues—much rather hear NOTHING, then those dreaded words “I AM BUSY”

It is those little things that mean the most—plz reach out to people, sometimes those little things are the one thing that reminds some one to hold on for just one more day–even if you dont realize the power of those little things


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