Beginning of the end….

I originally wrote this, but it got deleted by mistake–this time of year is so so hard for me–I wrote in another blog the spiritual side of why–but here i will write the MH, depression side–This time of year, well any holiday for that matter–but this time of year 2004 changed my life forever–holidays to me were FAMILY, and MEMORIES–this specific year my mom was dying–(something I will write more about later–she had lung cancer and I thought she had at least 6 months a year)–well I decided I was going to try and make each holiday extra special–so this good friday I took off of work, and my son and I (my son was 2 almost 3) and went and picked up my mom—at this time she could still get up, move, etc–I decided to get her favorite thing, ice cream from the local dairy bar and drive us up to a pond that our family used to go to–it is almost an hour drive, but was a place where the pond never froze and we could feed the ducks–it was peaceful–so we went and got our ice cream–mom a chocolate shake–i dont remember what my son or I got–anyways not even 10 minutes after we picked up the ice cream–everything changed–my mom was literally choking on her first few sips–you see the cancer tumor was growing around her esophogus and wind pipe and choking her, and soon she would just strangle to death–that is why she got a shake-thinking she could drink it–my mom was dying in my car–I pullled over, tears streaming–and soon she stopped choking–she was breathing, but she wanted to go home–I in tears took her home–she wanted to be alone and went into her bed–my son and I left–so much for trying to celebrate that day-so much for the holiday–so much for anything because after that my mom wouldnt leave the house anymore–it was down hill from there–and my memory of her choking, and that day is so vivid–we didnt do a family thing that year, or I havent since–and the memory i used to cherish–well you can guess–and sorry I know just get over it–but the MH stuff I struggle with and depression just dont help–I guess I will close this out by saying plz cherish your memories with your loved ones–it might be the last–I no longer have the family nor the memories–and the holidays are just so lonely


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