harsh reality

I never asked for this life, this MH illness–never asked to be on govt assistance, no transportation, money, and have to rely on others and learning that others really do not want to do for those with MH “craziness”–sigh…. i never asked to not be able to give my son opportunities like sports, other extracurriculars, etc—to not be able to eat like a teen 24/7 LOL–all things never asked for, but were dealt this hand and as hard as it is my son and I make do–yeah i let him play video game more then he should, let him do other things more then he should–but it is mainly because it is the only way we can live since we lack the means to do other opportunities—this all came again to a head last night–all i wanted was support for my decision–well more for my son and I’s decision–at one point he had a possible opportunity for a summer job–we were set, but struggled with the transportation part–long story short I, as a parent thought was doing the right thing at the time, and my son and I talked, but since couldnt 100% depend on the transportation possibility, and the times of his training changed and we knew transportation person (who is a “bully” at times and never wrong)–but we knew she had an appt on friday the time of the new training–so we decided to call and tell employer he cant make it–at the time i truly thought was doing the right thing for all and taking away the stress–meanwhile feeling horrible because I as a parent should be able to provide transportation–sigh..so was so looking for support–when I let transportation person know last night taht we cancelled all we got were a bunch of criticisms and told how my son was a lazy butt, fat, and that I was just running from my commitment, and being a bad parent—seriously??? is that what i just read–so i texted her back in anger–needless to say now I got another email from her, which was even worse and more criticisms and how i hurt HER–seriously?? how I was teaching my son to quit, that i just did this because i didnt like change, that this is not the first time I did this to her–yada yada yada that i should reset the appt if i wanted to do right for my son, and that she would take him—seriously??? (she is my landlord too, and lives downstairs, and has 99% cancelled on me for rides for food, etc–so…… but i am wrong)–I went downstairs in tears but told her she WON–she WON again and control and that fine my son will go but she had my reasoning all wrong–that i was doing it for all involved, was my decision and that i thought since she was struggling with a divorce, couldnt commit to every day, and was emotional and stress i thought i was doing the right thing and teaching my son to be respectful to all–not to be lazy–that i was sorry was a terrible mom to her but all i wanted was the support like i was giving her through her divorce–and walked off–so now my son is going—-well

after that, knowing my son, i knew he would be upset, but seriously didnt expect the rage at first–but then as he is yelling at me i realized, how i just taught him that when you are bullied enough by someone, controlled enough by someone (transportation) that yes they get what they want—that yes you dont stand your grounds, that yes that gets what you want—sigh…. and i regret horribly teaching him that—where we live it has been like that the whole time, he sees, heard how houselandlords controlled, how now that they are divorcing her control, how the power, control, physical, etc got what they wanted–yeah i bowed down every time, and earlier today did it again–i am weak, terrible weak and i know they know that–i will not do it again, and will not be there for them again either–it is destroying me, and that is teaching my son wrong–i regret that—dont have the means, money to move–sigh..

but..i did tell my son sorry for teaching him that bullying, power, control, gets what you want–i wasnt changing my mind again on this issue—but i was wrong to be “bullied” into it and should have stood my ground–I AM SORRY!!!

i will also never look at house person the same anymore–need to stand my ground


what cant I be…

dont remember the last time was actually happy–for me have bad days and then really bad days–not a day goes by that the “thought” doesnt cross my mind–and right now ugh..and it so mimics some things from 2009–just at that point i was oblivious to what should have boosted my spirits–and right now wishing it was, it should be, but it isnt as the darkness just wont go away and yeah wanting it too epecially now but as those who struggle with the deep depression knows what the overwelming darkness is like, and the more you fight it the more exhausted and worse it gets as “those” thoughts creep back–

NOW–the depression is stronger–might be time of year but dont know why–my fav hockey team, which has been since the 90’s just got into the stanley cup finals–series starts Monday and i want to be so excited, but the darkness is there and tears of sadness are flowing strong, and it just wont go away–as it gets stronger and stronger and i get more mad, hurt, alone because even if i wanted to enjoy the victory so far of my PENS-i cant, and no one to share it with anyways which makes it worse–and my mind wont and having a hard time fighting “those” thoughts–and those things that happened in 2009. which is making it worse and reminds me how we wish it ended differently then, and now–sigh….instead of enjoying the victory struggling with my inner defeat

THEN–was actually totally oblivious to the PENS being in the stanley cup–at that point the darkness was overwelming and well, you can guess am sure, and as days turned into weeks at that point–when I did get my bearings why I was where I was (hospital) i found out my team was in the stanley cup finals–wow and we missed it, all–i watched from where i was–but even then i longed for the excitement–it just wasnt there then either–i finally got out and was home the night before watching the PENS win the Stanley Cup in 2009–the excitement was there, but was so blocked off by the darkness then too–guess the stay where i was didnt help–idk

the similarities are so odd–thought maybe it is a sense of hope–but honestly my mind just wont go away from “those” thoughts as we struggle to try and find some enjoyment in the victory of the PENS so far–and it is eating us up why we cant, and the aloneness/lonliness is over bearing

THEIR VICTORY is our DEFEAT–so it feels anyways

thanks for listening–thought maybe writing might help, but didnt yet


Needing to let go???

Come to the realization again that I need to find a way to say “goodbye” to my bff–been a long time coming–we been BFF since 7th grade–now both in our 40’s–since my MH stuff things just have not been the same–I know at first she tried and “I” have so she said become a burden TO her–at first it was okay–then in 2010 things became different–I was about to become homeless–at that point she at first told me my son and I could move there–as long as I left my MH stuff behind (my ED, etc)–she was so greatful when someone else offered us a place to stay–which has turned into an abusive (emotionally, at one point physically (but not anymore) and spiritually)–my BFF would come once or twice a year to visit–but only when all others couldnt see her–she lived 8 hours away, and when she came we were last on her list to visit–of course it was because we had no life, didnt work (on disability), and was pretty much a burden–but she came down–as our life continued to deteriorate where we lived–we wanted to move–asked mentioned if her house was still available–at this point–about a year or 2 later her reply “NO be sure if you move do NOT move near me and my family–your are too much of a “needy” person”–seriously–this broke my heart, but I was (we my son and I) were to still let her and her family come at their convenience–struggling with depression, I let it go because the reality was i was a burden to society–still am–but one thing i wasnt was “Needy”–i honestly ONLY reached out to her via text when I felt in crisis and just need a positive word–aint that was BFF were for–support?? it got to the point that whenever I would text or call, which was about once a month for an uplift i would get “I am busy”–I would talk about su and she would say “too busy)–this past year i got to the point that i had to wall myself off for protection–it was so much easier, and still is to hear NOTHING from someone, then to hear “I am busy” when I am in a crisis mode-didnt talk for 2 months, then reconnected–i explained to her why and all she said was how i needed her TIME–i said no her time was never what i needed, I bearly wrote, what i need is “support” in the time of crisis–if you didnt want to talk to this burden to you, then text a positive-she always told me that she didnt like to talk to me on the phone-well after reconnecting, the hurt isnt the same–yeah it hurts, but it is different-this last night was  and feels likena final straw to me–a week or so ago I found out she might be coming down again this summer–i told her if so plz plz let it be 2 nights, my son looks forward to it, and to plz schedule it am tired of being whatever is left–pretty much got criticized so I apologized–one night sometimes just enhances our anxiety–anyways I apologized–so last night was in a horrible crisis–had to do with my sons mouth–his teen years ugh–not easy–i tried texting her, nothing, tried calling nothing, so left a message in tears–and as of almost 24 hours later have not even heard a word–nothing–not even a “RU okay??”–my tears fall as I remember the burden she said I was before–is this really what a BFF does??? seriously, maybe it is me over reacting–wouldnt surprise me–but maybe, just maybe it is time to finally say bye and let her go–the last friend i have really–and honestly dont know if I can??????  ((SAD))

Drained….does it ever end????

So emotionally drained today–well more emotionally spiritually and physically–guess a small part of it might have been staying up late watching the PENS in the stanley cup playoffs—but honestly I think most of you know what the emotionally exhaustion, the physical exhaustion, the i cant get out of bed, nor do I want to that comes with the dark hole, shadow, that follows you–depression–am trying to fight it but the more i fight it, the more intense it gets–trying to occupy my mind, but lacking energy and as try to do that, my mind goes back to those words we hear again over and over–worthless, “die”, hurt, unwanted, etc–not really a point–just give in, sleep—I tried to reach out too, but that doesnt go over well because like always everyone is just too busy for us and we get the constant reminder then how unwanted, burden we are—one thing that helped at some points was/is being there for others–but right now that has over drained us because that is all this other person talks about for the past 2 months–yeah I listen, i help talk her through it, help support, help validate her emotions, feelings and that she just has to ride it out (has to do with divorce)–then when we try to talk about something that comes us for us–we get get over it, dont feel that way, or we get nothing–yeah we would like the support and reassurance too–but that doesnt happen so we just need to learn–we did learn we thought, but decided to try and reach out–but got slapped again–as we are already drained–then worried about place to live–to make it short where i live is going through a divorce, my son and i live in the upper part of the house–all i hear lately is how they have all this stuff to split up–she doesnt want the “old” cars, she doesnt want the other “house”, no money, and how when and if she has to leave she will get to go to her kids she is sure–but she wants to stay here, she wants to live here, but she doesnt want to have to work–yada yada yada–as much as we understand that we tend to get envious–we dont say it but we would long to work, but cant due to our mh stuff, we would long to have a car–even if we had something cheap (let alone many cars to split up)–but no money and no one to help us get one, we would long to have or even now to be able to walk with the support of so many people–and lastly we would long for knowing we had a place to live if she loses this house–we mentioned that to her, and got “I dont know what to tell you”–and yeah eeeks–we said you can move in an instant to a family–we cant–we have no where and to get any type of assistance would be months–so now that worry is in our minds–the stress, the emotional drain of being there, the emotional drain of our own issues, the mh stuff–just want it all to stop—but we will walk with her, as we continue to walk alone,  as much as she needs because we know all to well how hard it is to walk alone

Can we be a friend???Detrimental???

I struggle with depression, anxiety, su thoughts, ptsd among other things–I have struggled through this with no support–so, I always try to give support to others–no matter what they go through because I am so aware how hard it is to go things alone–it is horrible and I struggle with not wanting others to feel this way–so right now someone who has not been there for me, and part of ptsd from spiritual abuse has been really struggling with stuff with her husband–whom she has come to realize has done alot of the spiritual abuse to her, emotional abuse, mental abuse, ect–he was one as a minister who did it to us too–but she never stood up for us–it was his “controlling nature”–anyways we have struggled with this for so long, and finally a few months ago when we were not around them we finally started to put some of it aside, forgive, and try our best to go on–now as mentioned above, she is need of support–so we have been trying to give it to her–it is so triggering to our PTSD from the stuff she says–we try not to let on–but all our headway we were making is gone–the things she says, later trigger us to flashbacks of so many things verbally said to us, the physically stuff–which then triggers other things–things we were fighting before and finally got to a coping place–now the su “thoughts” stronger, the depression, the sinking, the eating issues, anxiety, among other things–ugh—having a hard time and we know we should step away and not support this other person, but unfortunately we cant–not in our nature–our empathy and own struggles of going stuff alone seems to not let us–as we crash—idk–guess sometimes it wasnt all this issue she is going through–been that way for a month now–as we try to talk it is wrong–sigh..so we finally just stopped talking, listened, support, and deal with our own later, alone… sorry this turned into such babble