Needing to let go???

Come to the realization again that I need to find a way to say “goodbye” to my bff–been a long time coming–we been BFF since 7th grade–now both in our 40’s–since my MH stuff things just have not been the same–I know at first she tried and “I” have so she said become a burden TO her–at first it was okay–then in 2010 things became different–I was about to become homeless–at that point she at first told me my son and I could move there–as long as I left my MH stuff behind (my ED, etc)–she was so greatful when someone else offered us a place to stay–which has turned into an abusive (emotionally, at one point physically (but not anymore) and spiritually)–my BFF would come once or twice a year to visit–but only when all others couldnt see her–she lived 8 hours away, and when she came we were last on her list to visit–of course it was because we had no life, didnt work (on disability), and was pretty much a burden–but she came down–as our life continued to deteriorate where we lived–we wanted to move–asked mentioned if her house was still available–at this point–about a year or 2 later her reply “NO be sure if you move do NOT move near me and my family–your are too much of a “needy” person”–seriously–this broke my heart, but I was (we my son and I) were to still let her and her family come at their convenience–struggling with depression, I let it go because the reality was i was a burden to society–still am–but one thing i wasnt was “Needy”–i honestly ONLY reached out to her via text when I felt in crisis and just need a positive word–aint that was BFF were for–support?? it got to the point that whenever I would text or call, which was about once a month for an uplift i would get “I am busy”–I would talk about su and she would say “too busy)–this past year i got to the point that i had to wall myself off for protection–it was so much easier, and still is to hear NOTHING from someone, then to hear “I am busy” when I am in a crisis mode-didnt talk for 2 months, then reconnected–i explained to her why and all she said was how i needed her TIME–i said no her time was never what i needed, I bearly wrote, what i need is “support” in the time of crisis–if you didnt want to talk to this burden to you, then text a positive-she always told me that she didnt like to talk to me on the phone-well after reconnecting, the hurt isnt the same–yeah it hurts, but it is different-this last night was  and feels likena final straw to me–a week or so ago I found out she might be coming down again this summer–i told her if so plz plz let it be 2 nights, my son looks forward to it, and to plz schedule it am tired of being whatever is left–pretty much got criticized so I apologized–one night sometimes just enhances our anxiety–anyways I apologized–so last night was in a horrible crisis–had to do with my sons mouth–his teen years ugh–not easy–i tried texting her, nothing, tried calling nothing, so left a message in tears–and as of almost 24 hours later have not even heard a word–nothing–not even a “RU okay??”–my tears fall as I remember the burden she said I was before–is this really what a BFF does??? seriously, maybe it is me over reacting–wouldnt surprise me–but maybe, just maybe it is time to finally say bye and let her go–the last friend i have really–and honestly dont know if I can??????  ((SAD))

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