what cant I be…

dont remember the last time was actually happy–for me have bad days and then really bad days–not a day goes by that the “thought” doesnt cross my mind–and right now ugh..and it so mimics some things from 2009–just at that point i was oblivious to what should have boosted my spirits–and right now wishing it was, it should be, but it isnt as the darkness just wont go away and yeah wanting it too epecially now but as those who struggle with the deep depression knows what the overwelming darkness is like, and the more you fight it the more exhausted and worse it gets as “those” thoughts creep back–

NOW–the depression is stronger–might be time of year but dont know why–my fav hockey team, which has been since the 90’s just got into the stanley cup finals–series starts Monday and i want to be so excited, but the darkness is there and tears of sadness are flowing strong, and it just wont go away–as it gets stronger and stronger and i get more mad, hurt, alone because even if i wanted to enjoy the victory so far of my PENS-i cant, and no one to share it with anyways which makes it worse–and my mind wont and having a hard time fighting “those” thoughts–and those things that happened in 2009. which is making it worse and reminds me how we wish it ended differently then, and now–sigh….instead of enjoying the victory struggling with my inner defeat

THEN–was actually totally oblivious to the PENS being in the stanley cup–at that point the darkness was overwelming and well, you can guess am sure, and as days turned into weeks at that point–when I did get my bearings why I was where I was (hospital) i found out my team was in the stanley cup finals–wow and we missed it, all–i watched from where i was–but even then i longed for the excitement–it just wasnt there then either–i finally got out and was home the night before watching the PENS win the Stanley Cup in 2009–the excitement was there, but was so blocked off by the darkness then too–guess the stay where i was didnt help–idk

the similarities are so odd–thought maybe it is a sense of hope–but honestly my mind just wont go away from “those” thoughts as we struggle to try and find some enjoyment in the victory of the PENS so far–and it is eating us up why we cant, and the aloneness/lonliness is over bearing

THEIR VICTORY is our DEFEAT–so it feels anyways

thanks for listening–thought maybe writing might help, but didnt yet