harsh reality

I never asked for this life, this MH illness–never asked to be on govt assistance, no transportation, money, and have to rely on others and learning that others really do not want to do for those with MH “craziness”–sigh…. i never asked to not be able to give my son opportunities like sports, other extracurriculars, etc—to not be able to eat like a teen 24/7 LOL–all things never asked for, but were dealt this hand and as hard as it is my son and I make do–yeah i let him play video game more then he should, let him do other things more then he should–but it is mainly because it is the only way we can live since we lack the means to do other opportunities—this all came again to a head last night–all i wanted was support for my decision–well more for my son and I’s decision–at one point he had a possible opportunity for a summer job–we were set, but struggled with the transportation part–long story short I, as a parent thought was doing the right thing at the time, and my son and I talked, but since couldnt 100% depend on the transportation possibility, and the times of his training changed and we knew transportation person (who is a “bully” at times and never wrong)–but we knew she had an appt on friday the time of the new training–so we decided to call and tell employer he cant make it–at the time i truly thought was doing the right thing for all and taking away the stress–meanwhile feeling horrible because I as a parent should be able to provide transportation–sigh..so was so looking for support–when I let transportation person know last night taht we cancelled all we got were a bunch of criticisms and told how my son was a lazy butt, fat, and that I was just running from my commitment, and being a bad parent—seriously??? is that what i just read–so i texted her back in anger–needless to say now I got another email from her, which was even worse and more criticisms and how i hurt HER–seriously?? how I was teaching my son to quit, that i just did this because i didnt like change, that this is not the first time I did this to her–yada yada yada that i should reset the appt if i wanted to do right for my son, and that she would take him—seriously??? (she is my landlord too, and lives downstairs, and has 99% cancelled on me for rides for food, etc–so…… but i am wrong)–I went downstairs in tears but told her she WON–she WON again and control and that fine my son will go but she had my reasoning all wrong–that i was doing it for all involved, was my decision and that i thought since she was struggling with a divorce, couldnt commit to every day, and was emotional and stress i thought i was doing the right thing and teaching my son to be respectful to all–not to be lazy–that i was sorry was a terrible mom to her but all i wanted was the support like i was giving her through her divorce–and walked off–so now my son is going—-well

after that, knowing my son, i knew he would be upset, but seriously didnt expect the rage at first–but then as he is yelling at me i realized, how i just taught him that when you are bullied enough by someone, controlled enough by someone (transportation) that yes they get what they want—that yes you dont stand your grounds, that yes that gets what you want—sigh…. and i regret horribly teaching him that—where we live it has been like that the whole time, he sees, heard how houselandlords controlled, how now that they are divorcing her control, how the power, control, physical, etc got what they wanted–yeah i bowed down every time, and earlier today did it again–i am weak, terrible weak and i know they know that–i will not do it again, and will not be there for them again either–it is destroying me, and that is teaching my son wrong–i regret that—dont have the means, money to move–sigh..

but..i did tell my son sorry for teaching him that bullying, power, control, gets what you want–i wasnt changing my mind again on this issue—but i was wrong to be “bullied” into it and should have stood my ground–I AM SORRY!!!

i will also never look at house person the same anymore–need to stand my ground


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