Fly..why oh why cant I

Been wanting to write–but yet not up to it–been such a long dark month–sigh..the worst is not having anyone who cares, or to talk to when the shit hits the fan so to speak–been fighting with assistance again–meaning money, etc–and in reality i am not a fighter so to me it just wears me out more emotionally, physically–and finally just let it go–not worth the further emotional darkness to me–sure many think that is not the right attitude, but well that is depression and anxiety to me

struggling to with living situation–just a long stressful thing–and now for the past few months–well this person has known for the past 6 or more months–but she is getting a divorce (one of my land people) we were sort of “friends” well really wouldnt call her that–but it is all about her, and her anger about this divorce–and i mean anger–as well as how poor, and pathetic everything is to her, how she has to work, doesnt want to (ME:be greatful you CAN work, some of us cant) how she has all these cars, most 5 or more years old that her soon to be ex left to her (ME: be greatful you HAVE a car), how she has no money for credit, vacations, etc (ME: be greatful you HAVE money at all for the necessities or can rely on couponing, hand me down, etc–another luxery i dont), complaints because you dont want to have help from your kids to fix things, etc (ME: be greatful you HAVE that luxury–as well as knowing they will come in an instant as well as give you money if needed), hearing how she hates asking for help, or venting–even though it is almost 24/7 (ME: be greatful you have people to support-i wished i did) and the list goes on–she is struggling with a situation, i know how hard that can be–but when it is a situation, you find the way to deal with it and go on–what choice do you have??? IDK just draining because i try to be there as much as I can for support for her–however stuff like that triggers me–because i want to say so much, get over yourself and be fricken GREATFUL

Also this week my bff is coming–the one i wrote before who doesnt want me to ever come up and live by her–i am according to her, too needy–anyways she comes to visit about twice a year–summer and the holiday–she comes with her kids, which are a few years older then mine–mine son looks forward to this time of year ALOT–it is the one time a year where for him, life is NORMAL–life is what it should be for a teen his age–friends, fast food, and fun–but for me as much as i love to see her–the anxiety is oh so much more–the clean, the ptsd hits and the burden, and the list goes on–sigh…but i struggle through it all for my son

that just about sums it up right now–cant wait for this month to be over–cant wait for life to be either–just speaking, not meaning really

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words long to hear..

There honestly are many words i long to hear–how are you, i understand, how can i help, or someone to just listen, understand–support–to just be there–things i know will never happen–all i get is desertion, and those “looks” as i am sure many of you know what i mean—

however, the word right now i long to hear is…I AM SORRY–i wrote a few posts ago about my son and a job opportunity–but us not having transporation, and no one to give it–and how someone pretty much (well someone i thought was a acquaintance-i dont call anyone friend anymore really–well there are a few) anyways how said acquaintance pretty much ripped me a new asshole about turning down the job (my son and i, well at that time it was definate) how lazy my son was, bad a parent i was, how i screwed acquaintance over by not letting her give my son a ride–and other stuff–so after being yelled at, at that point i gave in and told her she won and signed my son back up for the program and orientation–so against my own decision and wishes–i knew she wouldnt fulfill (she had a lot on her plate)and i also knew my food stamps may get cut–needless to say i gave in and reluctantly my son went to orientation after him trying to bully me into changing my mind–well orientation went okay sort of–felt uncomfortable–she fullfilled, and my son was to get paid–he did not know his work assisgnment yet and was not sure if acquaintance could fullfill that, however….well the last day of orientation–an hour before all was done some of the teens got into a fight–go figure—and they all got sent home and told that they may have to go through orientation again, and she did not know if she would give them jobs—said acquaintance was more pissed then i was–meanwhile my food assistance was up for re eval during that time and yeppers since my son was to be working–they cut my food assistance in half—huge struggle with a teen boy who eats ALL the time–good thing i struggle with an eating disorder–anyways my son came home after that day, 2 weeks ago a friday and informed me–sigh…my concern honestly at that time was food assistance but also my son at least getting paid for orientation–well the following week–well after waiting, leaving messages and such my son heard back from the head of the program yesterday (J)–needless to say i was NOT happy with the late notice, but acquaintance said my son ride and this job was her FIRST PRIORITY–so my son gets the call at 11:00 and i told he needs to be there at 1:00 to sign his time sheets from orientation to get paid, as well as job assisgnment–acquaintance (M) was busy, i knew and i knew she would not be happy–however, my son asked her–she said NO, cant she send it, uhhhh NO he needs to sign–so i had my son call J and see if there was another time that day, or later this week–she said any time that day but it needed done that day (of course i was not happy with last notice but all i cared at this time was his pay and job)–so i went and started to talk to M–and all she did was continue to complain about the notice of the program–and to have them mail it–i kept trying to tell her they cant, it needed SIGNED and to get his assignment, but he could go any time today (which gave her 6 hours to work with)–she would not listen and kept going off–while my son was on the phone with J–i finally told my son tell J we cant and i told M to just forget it—sigh…i had no money nor any other transportation–welll late last night M emails me and said i hope your son got his paycheck–i wanted to say so much, becaue obviously my son was NOT a priority—but i just kindly explained she was so frustrated with the situation she refused to listen–all we needed was a ride to get the papers signed anytime that day—so he didnt get paid, and now has no job—i just think she could have asked, talked, and worked differently–even though i know the program sucked at their notice, but i wanted to get his money and deal with that later–he deserved the money–so no money, no assisgnment, and no food assistance—and what ticks me off the most is mad at myself for giving in a few weeks ago to acquaintance, because none of this would have happened if i would have followed my own instincts–sigh… and i guess i just was hoping from her–an “I’m sorry, i should of heard you out before yelling”

Hope??? in hockey

PENS stanley cup finals 2016

wasnt sure how to directly post the video so will start here–PENS win the Stanley Cup finals–so mimics 2009–would write more but I wont–in the mist of finding enjoyment of the win, am struggling with lonliness–just miss sharing stuff with someone–as well as struggling spending money I dont have because I want a “memory” for my son and i to share so ordered some STANLEY CUP PENS stuff–so in the mist of depression–i am hoping this brings some HOPE to me like hockey did back in 2009

still angry at myself really–big game starting in a few hours–and all want is to crack a smile, crack a hell yeah lets go–get rid of this darkness hanging–want to celebrate with someone, or argue at the tv with someone-anything, but as i try it is so much more exhausting and jut makes me more depressed-and as said before it has brought back so much from 2009–the last time the PENS won the stanley cup–wrote on my FB how it is more then a “cup” to me as a fan–back in 2009 hockey/PENS became my outlet–after returning home from the hospital as the final of the playoffs were winding down i had no one–my son, then 7 had each other–but just not the same–i drank with the neighbors (who then was also a huge hockey fan of the opposite team)–but when i came out of the hospital i didnt talk to them, didnt want to get into the drinking stuff again–the depression was suppose to be better–but it wasnt, honestly was worse–many more dark days, years, months, that even extend now–but hockey gave me an outlet–the stanley cup then gave me a small zest, a maybe things will turn out okay–i delved more into hockey, hockey cards, collecting, but most of all blogging about the PENS–blogging how they gave me some form of hope to go on, how just the sport gave me hope–that blog got hacked a few years ago, but i do have my writings–something i wanted to someday make into a book-it also gave me a connection at times, but this year no one is connecting and making it worse (they arent just my lonliness is)–think i might change some FB people afterwards, i needed the support regardless if any truly understood-guess to me as dumb as it sounds, as the dark tears again run down my eyes–and those “thoughts” plague my mind–trying to smile for the game, but can’t–this game for some reason so mimics other events in my life that happened in 2009 also–this timing, and maybe it is flashbacks am not sure, maybe that is why the dark shadow wont go away–am tired, tired of…sigh….just like the PENS in the finals–i know this all sounds stupid to some..sigh…

wish someone would truly understand??

havent been able to shake depression for days, weeks–have bad days and really bad days for years but it seems to not be as strong sometimes–still there all the time just the extreme, su thoughts and everything, just a little calmer–feeling so alone, lonely–there is really no one–just seems like they look at me as a freak, or dont respond to me at all via text, online, etc–so yeah close off and it all just gets darker and darker–like you try to reach out and everyone just stands there afraid to touch you–heaven forbid they might “catch” this darkness, idk–or who knows–then as anything in my life approaches no one to share it with–or if i try and do, it is the same thing–i know what i want to write but honestly dont want anyone to think the above of me, think i am “stupid” or pathetic with my thoughts–that is just it, thoughts that spew out as tears out of no where–sure many of you know those tears, moments–mentioned before the big Stanley cup playoffs, game and my team in it–big game tomorrow–and struggling because first wish there was someone to share the excitement with, the disappointment with, the frustration as you watch or cheer for the goals–or anything–just learn that feelings (well mine anyways) dont matter–they honestly never do, nor have–i want to be excited, i mean really excited about this game, this time but mad because cant–the darkness is still stronger and that makes it worse–why cant i f**** get overly excited, truly feel, or smile other then this darkness–why why why–then this is mimicing 2009 oh so much—my team won the stanley cup then–and now i cant write about it (that time)–my mind is spinning with thoughts, thoughts i dont want–darkness i dont want–but cant fight, try to, really–hope you believe me??? who wants to feel this way–this darkness–ugh ugh ugh–just go away–come after the game if you want—give me some enjoyment for once–it has been since 2009 since smiled and…. just gotta go i guess–as the tears flow again for no apparent reason and i anticipate both the win, or lose of the PENS tomorrow and the lonliness of not sharing it with anyone and the DARKNESS that just f**** wont go away!!! just wish someone would just UNDERSTAND!!!!

ugh, F***, just tired

***WARNING OF LANGUAGE***

stuff like this i just dont f*** understand–I do not in anyway abuse the system, assistance–i so do NOT want to be like this, much rather work and have a life to LIVE not f**** survive

anyways venting–after the whole f*** fiasco with my son and a job–and me feeling bullied into having him do that since I am so pathetic–yeah obviously not in a good place right now–anyways–things with this person hasnt been the same–but I said it is between her and my son–am NOT getting involved with the job thing anymore–I should have followed my instinct there–usually i do, but the bullying got the best of me, that and the guilt so i gave in, caved–i knew deep inside i wouldnt be happy, i knew deep inside that it would be an inconvenience to her, but i knew it would somehow affect my assistance–it always does–and that it did–needless to say it will be “cut” for the 8 weeks my son was to work–i sent them paperwork now that says it is an 8 wk govt program–so will hopefully get it back after that–but ouch it is going to hurt especially with a teenage boy–sigh–guess good think i struggle with an ED issue–I cant believe that the govt, or anyone would expect him (my son) to pay for that stuff–seriously??? I simply cant let him anyways–guess that is a big problem with me–one of many–well anyways to make this whole thing worse–yeah story of my life–at his last day of training/orientation 2 teens got into a fight–and some of the others wouldnt quiet down–so the program manager ended the training–told all this program was done and that they probably wont get jobs becaue they cant behave–as she calmed a little she then said check your emails in the next few days and see–the person who was giving my son a ride was more livid then I–me, sorry if it is selfish was more, and am more that my food asistance was cut based on a decision i should have stuck with–and instead i didnt–now i have this issue–and i am tired of fighting for it—will struggle through for the next 2 months, why because that is what i do–tired of fighting–just tired

later the person who game my son a ride said if your son doesnt get a job I–meaning her will call them–i said no you wont–I (meaning me) am the parent not you–just let it go and my son will tell you when he hears anything