still angry at myself really–big game starting in a few hours–and all want is to crack a smile, crack a hell yeah lets go–get rid of this darkness hanging–want to celebrate with someone, or argue at the tv with someone-anything, but as i try it is so much more exhausting and jut makes me more depressed-and as said before it has brought back so much from 2009–the last time the PENS won the stanley cup–wrote on my FB how it is more then a “cup” to me as a fan–back in 2009 hockey/PENS became my outlet–after returning home from the hospital as the final of the playoffs were winding down i had no one–my son, then 7 had each other–but just not the same–i drank with the neighbors (who then was also a huge hockey fan of the opposite team)–but when i came out of the hospital i didnt talk to them, didnt want to get into the drinking stuff again–the depression was suppose to be better–but it wasnt, honestly was worse–many more dark days, years, months, that even extend now–but hockey gave me an outlet–the stanley cup then gave me a small zest, a maybe things will turn out okay–i delved more into hockey, hockey cards, collecting, but most of all blogging about the PENS–blogging how they gave me some form of hope to go on, how just the sport gave me hope–that blog got hacked a few years ago, but i do have my writings–something i wanted to someday make into a book-it also gave me a connection at times, but this year no one is connecting and making it worse (they arent just my lonliness is)–think i might change some FB people afterwards, i needed the support regardless if any truly understood-guess to me as dumb as it sounds, as the dark tears again run down my eyes–and those “thoughts” plague my mind–trying to smile for the game, but can’t–this game for some reason so mimics other events in my life that happened in 2009 also–this timing, and maybe it is flashbacks am not sure, maybe that is why the dark shadow wont go away–am tired, tired of…sigh….just like the PENS in the finals–i know this all sounds stupid to some..sigh…


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