wish someone would truly understand??

havent been able to shake depression for days, weeks–have bad days and really bad days for years but it seems to not be as strong sometimes–still there all the time just the extreme, su thoughts and everything, just a little calmer–feeling so alone, lonely–there is really no one–just seems like they look at me as a freak, or dont respond to me at all via text, online, etc–so yeah close off and it all just gets darker and darker–like you try to reach out and everyone just stands there afraid to touch you–heaven forbid they might “catch” this darkness, idk–or who knows–then as anything in my life approaches no one to share it with–or if i try and do, it is the same thing–i know what i want to write but honestly dont want anyone to think the above of me, think i am “stupid” or pathetic with my thoughts–that is just it, thoughts that spew out as tears out of no where–sure many of you know those tears, moments–mentioned before the big Stanley cup playoffs, game and my team in it–big game tomorrow–and struggling because first wish there was someone to share the excitement with, the disappointment with, the frustration as you watch or cheer for the goals–or anything–just learn that feelings (well mine anyways) dont matter–they honestly never do, nor have–i want to be excited, i mean really excited about this game, this time but mad because cant–the darkness is still stronger and that makes it worse–why cant i f**** get overly excited, truly feel, or smile other then this darkness–why why why–then this is mimicing 2009 oh so much—my team won the stanley cup then–and now i cant write about it (that time)–my mind is spinning with thoughts, thoughts i dont want–darkness i dont want–but cant fight, try to, really–hope you believe me??? who wants to feel this way–this darkness–ugh ugh ugh–just go away–come after the game if you want—give me some enjoyment for once–it has been since 2009 since smiled and…. just gotta go i guess–as the tears flow again for no apparent reason and i anticipate both the win, or lose of the PENS tomorrow and the lonliness of not sharing it with anyone and the DARKNESS that just f**** wont go away!!! just wish someone would just UNDERSTAND!!!!


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