Fly..why oh why cant I

Been wanting to write–but yet not up to it–been such a long dark month–sigh..the worst is not having anyone who cares, or to talk to when the shit hits the fan so to speak–been fighting with assistance again–meaning money, etc–and in reality i am not a fighter so to me it just wears me out more emotionally, physically–and finally just let it go–not worth the further emotional darkness to me–sure many think that is not the right attitude, but well that is depression and anxiety to me

struggling to with living situation–just a long stressful thing–and now for the past few months–well this person has known for the past 6 or more months–but she is getting a divorce (one of my land people) we were sort of “friends” well really wouldnt call her that–but it is all about her, and her anger about this divorce–and i mean anger–as well as how poor, and pathetic everything is to her, how she has to work, doesnt want to (ME:be greatful you CAN work, some of us cant) how she has all these cars, most 5 or more years old that her soon to be ex left to her (ME: be greatful you HAVE a car), how she has no money for credit, vacations, etc (ME: be greatful you HAVE money at all for the necessities or can rely on couponing, hand me down, etc–another luxery i dont), complaints because you dont want to have help from your kids to fix things, etc (ME: be greatful you HAVE that luxury–as well as knowing they will come in an instant as well as give you money if needed), hearing how she hates asking for help, or venting–even though it is almost 24/7 (ME: be greatful you have people to support-i wished i did) and the list goes on–she is struggling with a situation, i know how hard that can be–but when it is a situation, you find the way to deal with it and go on–what choice do you have??? IDK just draining because i try to be there as much as I can for support for her–however stuff like that triggers me–because i want to say so much, get over yourself and be fricken GREATFUL

Also this week my bff is coming–the one i wrote before who doesnt want me to ever come up and live by her–i am according to her, too needy–anyways she comes to visit about twice a year–summer and the holiday–she comes with her kids, which are a few years older then mine–mine son looks forward to this time of year ALOT–it is the one time a year where for him, life is NORMAL–life is what it should be for a teen his age–friends, fast food, and fun–but for me as much as i love to see her–the anxiety is oh so much more–the clean, the ptsd hits and the burden, and the list goes on–sigh…but i struggle through it all for my son

that just about sums it up right now–cant wait for this month to be over–cant wait for life to be either–just speaking, not meaning really

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