POWER of words–body shaming :(

Today I struggle harshly with body shaming–sigh… keep trying to bury the effects, but not going very well—as a person who struggles with an eating disorder, i was shamed myself growing up–back in those days it wasnt body shaming, bully, etc–it was like people had the right to call you fat, and poke fun of that–i faced it from my father, my grandma, and a big part was High school cheerleading when my coach announced in front of the entire school how big, fat i was and what size i wore and how it was all my fault that they had to order new uniforms–obviously that still sits hard with me in my heart, mind and soul–I struggled after that with a serious ED–never got treatment, but it was like all of a sudden it was, my weight wasnt so much an issue to me–however, as anyone knows who has had an ED–you find other addictions, and yeah ED is always there–came back immensely as my depression did–and I still struggle with it today–a big thing though now is a spiritual issue with it too–how unclean, dirty I am and the need to purge it all up–the evil, dirtiness–but also I live with a landlord/ministers whom were spiritually abusive, but also big on body shaming–on telling how bad, fattening, certain foods were or werent–the woman minister constantly said that to me about foods (even if i didnt eat)-like the few times at a store, i would put something in my cart only to hear how fattening it was–so i put it back–still affects me today horribly–as well as hearing all the time how fat her husband was (soon to be ex) and my son–

this is where I am today–a few weeks ago she brought to my attention how fat my son was–how he eats all the bad foods–he was so fat–sigh…. keep in mind i cant afford nutritious fruits, etc–but also dont have the transportation to get to a store that offers that–anyways i strive hard NOT to ever call my son overweight–I try my best to teach him nutritious eating, portion control etc–i dont want him to face the obsession of weight, numbers, calories, etc–but more healthy living–he as a teen boy eats constantly and he does tend to show his weight–but I try hard NOT to see that-but to see the loving, caring, artistic, fun, happy, etc person he is—well when this lady said that to me–it is so hard for me to fight it–both in my mind and his–sometimes I look at him and now taht is all i see–i try not too but i hear HER voice over and over and over–as well as wondering how fat I must be, how bad eater I must be–she used to buy chocolate milk for me son, something he liked but honestly he thought wow someone thinks of him, and his likes, etc–well after she discovered he is “fat” she refuses, and wont buy that anymore–my son wonders and asks why she dont think of him anymore–i tried to blow it off and state well you know how she is with food–but he doesnt fully believe it–idk–I struggle too now wondering if i should “hide” anything I have because it might be bad–

going to stop for now–triggering–just hope this all doesnt have a bad effect on my son, let alone me either–and the worst part–as we cried and yelled at the lady for saying it–she sees NOTHING wrong with it–worry but words affect people more then you know

didnt really how triggering it really is

I have always been one who is there for you, anyone, regardless what it was, or what you done to me, or anyone for that matter–i know what it was/is like to walk alone, to not be heard, understood, shunned, etc–but surprise sometimes I need someone too–i’ve been there for someone recently through a divorce–at times it is triggering, but i listen, respond, support, none the less–however, it gets the best of me sometimes, as I go back to my room alone to deal with things–I remember when you tried to be a support too–but this divorce stuff has pretty much (sorry) made you a bitter, selfish bitch–I am sorry, and I listen but you arent there for anyone anymore, let a lone me–yeah guess i sound hurt and bitter too–but when you specifically say to others that you dont want to hear, see them cry to get over themselves–sorry, but you are just as hurtful and abusive as the one you are divorcing–difference is he sees it now you dont–when you body shame others, including your ex, me, and those around you, that too is abusive–when you withhold air condition to someone who relies on it for survival, breathing issues all because of your selfishness, that too is abuse–sorry abuse was not my subject to write about–wanted to write how your bitterness is over consuming you and how sometimes you need to swallow your pride, your righteousness, and be a friend as much as you need a friend

I will walk with you, because that is who I am–but remember, sometimes others need support too–NOT abuse

“Silent Tears”

Tired, exhausted, drained–not sure why per se–used to think PMS made it worse–but why ALL the time–long so much for a “good” day–dont remember when ever had one in years—sure the fourth and the fireworks set us off–again have no idea why but the constant fireworks and loud noises from so many directions makes us spin, and spin–not sure who is familiar with the spinning of the mind but it is hell–and not sure why the trigger with that–guess sometimes that is a problem, wish we understood the triggers, the why–but we dont–when things trigger and happen 99% of the time we dont understand why, which makes it worse–we struggle with any “memories” of the past, family, etc–dont have contact with them anymore to find out–they all deserted us, which is “fine”–not really but it been so long, so many years–lately I have the vision of the last time my aunt saw me–I was in the hospital on an “attempt”-my aunt and uncle came in and she threw the empty bottle of pills at me, on my bed and said, “look at you, YOU ruined everyones life”–all I did was stare–what did I want the bottles for?? then when the nurse came in, the nurse got on my case because of the bottles–i said my aunt threw them at me, as I was crying–of course noo one cared at that time–nor do they now–sigh..idk just kind of babbling..sorry…sorry becaues I just dont matter…just a burden–

does anyone hear, see my silent tears?????

Best of times, WORST of times

As I wrote earlier, this is the time of year my BFF and her kids come–sometimes a day–sometimes a few–I always ask and almost beg her to stay at least a few because just coming and going makes my anxiety, depression, OCD, and other stuff go through the roof–usually if she stays a few my “mind” calms down the best it can–still always so exhausting–her daughter, now 18 struggle with depression and anxiety as well–she has meds, and prayer that works wonder for her–she has come so far–and me, struggling with the same stuff am so proud of her–feel a connection to her-this is also the one time a year my son has friends her, as well as feels like a real life and teenager-anyways they came Wed. evening–my son was so excited, as I struggled with emotions, anxiety, ect–when they get here (which she is used to now) I have to be sure with my OCD, and also my germophobe mind has them only touch certain things, paper plates, their soap, ect–dont touch ME i say in tears–sigh… they are used to it by now and came in, now what can we use, and what not–this year i tried to put postits on “my comfortable” stuff–i know how pathetic–those few hours before bedtime is exhausting–next day is all day–again my son loves it, plays with the kids, gets to eat fast food, snacks, whatever he wants–again a real TEEN for a day or 2–the main reason to be honest that I struggle through my issues and let them come–nice to see the joy on my sons face–I try to smile, but honestly jsut not there–i try to go out and pick up the food with my BFF, i just cant–sigh…always feel worthless, but she is used to it–i so wanted to “eat” like we used to, order what I wanted, but sigh….my ED stuff takes hold–doesnt make the situation any better when “houseperson/landlord” called my son fat the day they came–so my ED was now in full swing–I tried today to eat something, but sigh…something i dont do often, but I purged it up–but i tried–and then the dirty, worthless, etc takes hold–anyways as yesterday full day continued, I would go in my room, so exhausted, emotionally, physically–same with her daughter that struggles—anyways again my BFF is used to it with me–my son gets embarassed sometimes–then we went to the store, my BFF wanted some alcohol, and sometimes i try to drink, but honestly NOT a good thing for me–i debated, but went with her to pick it up–was just 5 minute drive, but the emotional and later physical exhaustion was horrible–when we got back, i tried to sip on a wine cooler, but my ED kicks in, as well as “thoughts” so I wouldnt go there—anyways today was rent day so my BFF went up and drove me to the ATM, and I grabbed a few things–but money issues set me off horribly–i tried to hold back the tears–and did fairly well i guess–“boy am i a burden, why cant i do this stuff for my son, all this money gone in less then an hour–again–and it is only the first of the month–sigh….” we get back and my BFF is to leave early afternoon–my anxiety kicks in, my son is realizing it too and getting grumpy–but we struggle through–my tears flow immensely, plz dont leave me here, plz dont hate me, plz dont leave, pppllllllzzzzzzz…as thought go through my mind—as she is crying to–she stays a few more hours, which is good and bad–and when she and her kids leave, I break down–crying uncontrolably, plz dont go…. as my son is struggling to–plz dont go—-so hard for you to come–but honestly HARDER when you leave–back to reality, back to nothingness, back to alone 😦