Best of times, WORST of times

As I wrote earlier, this is the time of year my BFF and her kids come–sometimes a day–sometimes a few–I always ask and almost beg her to stay at least a few because just coming and going makes my anxiety, depression, OCD, and other stuff go through the roof–usually if she stays a few my “mind” calms down the best it can–still always so exhausting–her daughter, now 18 struggle with depression and anxiety as well–she has meds, and prayer that works wonder for her–she has come so far–and me, struggling with the same stuff am so proud of her–feel a connection to her-this is also the one time a year my son has friends her, as well as feels like a real life and teenager-anyways they came Wed. evening–my son was so excited, as I struggled with emotions, anxiety, ect–when they get here (which she is used to now) I have to be sure with my OCD, and also my germophobe mind has them only touch certain things, paper plates, their soap, ect–dont touch ME i say in tears–sigh… they are used to it by now and came in, now what can we use, and what not–this year i tried to put postits on “my comfortable” stuff–i know how pathetic–those few hours before bedtime is exhausting–next day is all day–again my son loves it, plays with the kids, gets to eat fast food, snacks, whatever he wants–again a real TEEN for a day or 2–the main reason to be honest that I struggle through my issues and let them come–nice to see the joy on my sons face–I try to smile, but honestly jsut not there–i try to go out and pick up the food with my BFF, i just cant–sigh…always feel worthless, but she is used to it–i so wanted to “eat” like we used to, order what I wanted, but sigh….my ED stuff takes hold–doesnt make the situation any better when “houseperson/landlord” called my son fat the day they came–so my ED was now in full swing–I tried today to eat something, but sigh…something i dont do often, but I purged it up–but i tried–and then the dirty, worthless, etc takes hold–anyways as yesterday full day continued, I would go in my room, so exhausted, emotionally, physically–same with her daughter that struggles—anyways again my BFF is used to it with me–my son gets embarassed sometimes–then we went to the store, my BFF wanted some alcohol, and sometimes i try to drink, but honestly NOT a good thing for me–i debated, but went with her to pick it up–was just 5 minute drive, but the emotional and later physical exhaustion was horrible–when we got back, i tried to sip on a wine cooler, but my ED kicks in, as well as “thoughts” so I wouldnt go there—anyways today was rent day so my BFF went up and drove me to the ATM, and I grabbed a few things–but money issues set me off horribly–i tried to hold back the tears–and did fairly well i guess–“boy am i a burden, why cant i do this stuff for my son, all this money gone in less then an hour–again–and it is only the first of the month–sigh….” we get back and my BFF is to leave early afternoon–my anxiety kicks in, my son is realizing it too and getting grumpy–but we struggle through–my tears flow immensely, plz dont leave me here, plz dont hate me, plz dont leave, pppllllllzzzzzzz…as thought go through my mind—as she is crying to–she stays a few more hours, which is good and bad–and when she and her kids leave, I break down–crying uncontrolably, plz dont go…. as my son is struggling to–plz dont go—-so hard for you to come–but honestly HARDER when you leave–back to reality, back to nothingness, back to alone 😦


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