POWER of words–body shaming :(

Today I struggle harshly with body shaming–sigh… keep trying to bury the effects, but not going very well—as a person who struggles with an eating disorder, i was shamed myself growing up–back in those days it wasnt body shaming, bully, etc–it was like people had the right to call you fat, and poke fun of that–i faced it from my father, my grandma, and a big part was High school cheerleading when my coach announced in front of the entire school how big, fat i was and what size i wore and how it was all my fault that they had to order new uniforms–obviously that still sits hard with me in my heart, mind and soul–I struggled after that with a serious ED–never got treatment, but it was like all of a sudden it was, my weight wasnt so much an issue to me–however, as anyone knows who has had an ED–you find other addictions, and yeah ED is always there–came back immensely as my depression did–and I still struggle with it today–a big thing though now is a spiritual issue with it too–how unclean, dirty I am and the need to purge it all up–the evil, dirtiness–but also I live with a landlord/ministers whom were spiritually abusive, but also big on body shaming–on telling how bad, fattening, certain foods were or werent–the woman minister constantly said that to me about foods (even if i didnt eat)-like the few times at a store, i would put something in my cart only to hear how fattening it was–so i put it back–still affects me today horribly–as well as hearing all the time how fat her husband was (soon to be ex) and my son–

this is where I am today–a few weeks ago she brought to my attention how fat my son was–how he eats all the bad foods–he was so fat–sigh…. keep in mind i cant afford nutritious fruits, etc–but also dont have the transportation to get to a store that offers that–anyways i strive hard NOT to ever call my son overweight–I try my best to teach him nutritious eating, portion control etc–i dont want him to face the obsession of weight, numbers, calories, etc–but more healthy living–he as a teen boy eats constantly and he does tend to show his weight–but I try hard NOT to see that-but to see the loving, caring, artistic, fun, happy, etc person he is—well when this lady said that to me–it is so hard for me to fight it–both in my mind and his–sometimes I look at him and now taht is all i see–i try not too but i hear HER voice over and over and over–as well as wondering how fat I must be, how bad eater I must be–she used to buy chocolate milk for me son, something he liked but honestly he thought wow someone thinks of him, and his likes, etc–well after she discovered he is “fat” she refuses, and wont buy that anymore–my son wonders and asks why she dont think of him anymore–i tried to blow it off and state well you know how she is with food–but he doesnt fully believe it–idk–I struggle too now wondering if i should “hide” anything I have because it might be bad–

going to stop for now–triggering–just hope this all doesnt have a bad effect on my son, let alone me either–and the worst part–as we cried and yelled at the lady for saying it–she sees NOTHING wrong with it–worry but words affect people more then you know