Plz dont ever tell me……

Anyone who says “Just get over it, you ask to be this way, it is your own fault, yada yada yada”–sure many of you had heard these words, and more–and today it wrenches at my heart, my soul, my being–does anyone really think and believe I/WE asked to be this way-we asked and want to be confined to an overwelming darkness, no energy, no nothing, invisible, sadness, ect–seriously–this is the LAST thing i have ever chosen for my life-i remember when i used to work, my goals, dreams–was working on my Masters degree to grow and advance my career–worked 2 jobs, went to school, all as a single parent to my son–we used to enjoy life TOGETHER–the walks, hikes, get togethers, everything like that–i have missed that terribly–the independence, freedom from the mind, life, world–to be a productive part of society–having the means (emotionally, physically, spiritually) to do what we wanted, when we wanted–to LIVE life to the fullest with my son-WOW–then out of the blue the deep pit–now being stuck in a world of survival-where no one understands–and lately again it triggers as I take my son to the bus stop–the only time I get out–and see him off as he gets to go to the one place of reality so to speak–of living for him–and as he goes my mind does to as I slowly, full of great effort, lack of energy walk 5 minutes, if that back to where i reside–breathless when I get there–drudging up the steps to my room and then it hits as I see all the people going to work, all the people outside laughing, smiling, traveling, dreaming, hoping, most of all for me living productive lives full of LIFE–as I am just trying to survive my mind throughout the day–i long to work–how i long for that–i long to not have to struggle with money–i long to not be on assistance–i long to not have to worry about having just the necessities-i want to be a productive part of this world, this life–i know selfish, huh–i want—but plz plz dont ever tell me that I choose and want to be life this–i want to live, smile, dream–NOT just survive

i totally never wish this on anyone–no one–but sometimes i do wish you could experience the “black dog” for just one hour to see what it is like–and tell me then–“Do you ask to be like that???”


Falling into darkness??

Havent written in awhile–learning how much this MH stuff is running with my spiritual abuse stuff–stuff that I believe aided in PTSD–I write a blog “You will rise again” if you want to read that too–anyways my depression has been horrible–find myself still falling deeper and deeper into the pit of darkness–the worst as I said before is here, no support, no nothing–I came here where i currently live for that, several years ago. however after the spiritual abuse so much got worse, and now stuck–even more hurt, depressed, among other MH stuff–they told me it was demons–i would do almost anything to not feel this dark shadow that looms with me–the getting out of bed, shower, work, eat, anything–the darkness wont go away–and the triggering of the PTSD from the spiritual stuff has ben so strong and present–the ministers i came down here for are now getting a divorce–such a long sad story–now they are both “cheating” on each other–one believes they are following “*god” while, honestly the other..well she has convinced herself how much of a victim she is, and only cares about herself–I know that is bad to say–sorry–she used to say she was my friend–but honestly a “friend” is there for each other, a friend MAKES time for the other–I guess i struggle with the realization that no one is like me–I tend to text to check on others, write, text, cards, just to say hey, thinking of you, how are you, etc–i truly dont want anyone to ever feel what it feels like, and to be a lone with NO ONE–yeah that is me–sorry, but writing this is bringing back my lonliness, and hurts–guess sometimes just wish i still had a “friend” IRL–when I moved down here, gave up everything–had to, they told me I had to–now I have nothing, and no one–sigh…unless of course THEY need something.