Where are the lines drawn–overly hurting right now and wondering if it is “me” just over reacting due to my MH stuff–As mentioned before several years ago we started healing ministry–at that time we were under the 100% understanding that it was confidential (unless of course the mandated reporting stuff)–the ministry thing did not work, and made us worse–however, also as mentioned before we live in a upper part of the house the ministers life/d–they just recently divorced, which makes me struggle in a whole nother way–as they both ended up cheating on each other–anyways the female minister is talking marriage–we are “friends” if you can call it that–i honestly wouldnt say it in the friend sense really she is never there–but to make a long story short, she wanted me to meet her boyfriend, probably soon to be fiance–there are things about him that trigger us (he is an alcoholic, and a recreational drug user, as well as smokes–now i am NOT judging that, just i cant or shouldnt be around that)–anyways I have an even harder time getting over they cheated, but more so that I, whom struggle with MH stuff have anxiety that comes, and PTSD, and depression, and scars, but all things that can come at a drop of the hat–am so sure you all know what I am talking about–I like to at least have some of it in control the best I can–so I told said female that I did not want to meet him till I had some of this under control–for some reason it has been worse lately–her reply–“Well dont worry about it i told him ALL about you” and he understands-at this moment, my wall is up instantly–you told him??? All of it?? reallly, without asking me?? my mind instantly goes to, isnt it, or wasnt me, my health, etc CONFIDENTIAL–what gives you the right to tell him or anyone??? you told him ALL about me–as i close off, the anger kicks in, the trust issues kick in, and now even more of the “embarassment” or whatever you want to call it of meeting someone who now knows–I cant hide it anymore–I really feel heart broken she told him–the least she could of done is ask me first?? right?? and what about confidentiality?? seriously?? I just know now “WE” want to hide from him and her now more then ever and move, or just disappear–sigh….. are we wrong???
It is so hard, and hard enough to be a single parent of a male teen (I specify that because a mom with a dad who has nothing to do with him/us)–nor a family or support that does. We all know how those teen hormones are, testing the waters, making their own identity, wanting independence, but not, and that disrespectful mouth–which to be honest for my son comes about once a month–i swear he has PMS–between that and his tiredness from school, etc–well you can only guess–and when that kicks in–I am the only one who gets the brunt, and I mean brunt of it.
Our lives were never like this–we had a life of fun, hope, dreams and happiness till about 2009. When depression, and other MH stuff took hold–well all been down hill since–then when my son turned 13 it was like a switch turned on him–I at some points worried that maybe he “inherited” some of the stuff–but I am pretty sure it is teen hormones–all of which, like I said hit about the same time each month for a week–and those words are harsh–i dont even want to write them
I so try to stand firm, and honestly I do–you disrespect me then you face consequences–all the while him getting more angry–and the words for me dont roll off–at first they do-but then honestly my mind, heart, soul all shut down–completely–and my mind, heart and soul later remember yes i did ruin his life, everything is my fault, he wished me gone, and dead (umm my mind thinks yeah so do I)–and it continues to go downward fast for me–as I sit in my room trying to fight all the thoughts I have and now my son has confirmed–those thoughts I am sorry are always on my mind–so plz dont worry what I am writing–but when he says it–well–would he be better off??? or is it just a teen talking
and to make it worse–other then here I have no where, no one to vent to, to support my thoughts, or anything and well.. yeah we all know the drill I am sure—anyone who has advice for a struggling parent with a teen, plz let me know.
So hard being a single parent–as I close off and the tears roll
Really struggling tonight–my mind is whirling as i wish several years ago was final–that being said i mentioned at one point either here or another blog how my depression, MH issues lead me here to another city of where I was from–completely across state to a place my son and I knew no one, got rid of everything we owned, the counselor I had, and the one friend i had–and my sons friend–we moved down here to live with so called ministers that were to help me, be my support, and help me deal with depression, ect a “spiritual” way to say the least–to help me and my son get back on my feet–literally in some senses–however, truth be told being down here for 5 or more years has been hell–no help and in ways “abusive spiritually” and worse–however, as those that know when you struggle with things, abuse, and or MH stuff–for some reason your stupid mind holds onto hope of maybe just maybe this will change–that no matter what is happening (even though it feels wrong, etc) your dark mind, depression will do about anything to make the depression go away–as the years moved on and we got what felt like thrown out and more of a hinderance, and evil burden to them (ministers) somehow a little little little part tried to find hope that maybe just maybe they would talk to us again, maybe they would “heal” us–god does miracles right–sure it was uncomfortable, sure they havent really talked to you in years (even though you live above them)–maybe someday it will change–they will come together and your life wont be this dark fucking HELL!!!–
well today that hope is 100% gone–they are no longer together as ministers or couple–such a long story, a story that pains us–but today was the finality of it as our mind, heart grieves–grieves now for everything we lost coming down here, grieves for the hope that is now 100% truly gone–something i know sounds stupid, something i know many dont truly understand–but what is our purpose, what is the reason we came here–they all but go on with their lives–their family, their friends, their relationships–as we have none of that here, no identity, no nothing, no hope–as we struggle with even having a purpose and WHY? we ever came down here???
now babbling sorry–guess just kind of venting to get the shit out of our minds as we sit here and struggle ALONE and try to survive this darkness, this nothingness–sigh..
What happens now????
One of 2 things on my mind tonight–read another persons blog recently–and she summed up what having MH issues, depression, ect is like–everyone treats you like you have the plague–yes so true–and it hurts–never felt so so alone in my life as this song sums it up for me too–will see if this works–not sure how to post a video from you tube but here is the link
thoughts continued in next post
Today is National Suicide Prevention Day–something that seems to plague my mind-sigh..am posting a link to one of their events–and also posting a candle for my dear friend Lisa P whom passed away from suicide a few years ago–I still think of her often. also going to post a link to the FB page if anyone interested.
National Suicide Prevention Day–Light a candle (for more information click on the link-i couldnt figure out how to post the pic–sorry)
A candle lit for my dear friend Lisa P