What now???

Really struggling tonight–my mind is whirling as i wish several years ago was final–that being said i mentioned at one point either here or another blog how my depression, MH issues lead me here to another city of where I was from–completely across state to a place my son and I knew no one, got rid of everything we owned, the counselor I had, and the one friend i had–and my sons friend–we moved down here to live with so called ministers that were to help me, be my support, and help me deal with depression, ect a “spiritual” way to say the least–to help me and my son get back on my feet–literally in some senses–however, truth be told being down here for 5 or more years has been hell–no help and in ways “abusive spiritually” and worse–however, as those that know when you struggle with things, abuse, and or MH stuff–for some reason your stupid mind holds onto hope of maybe just maybe this will change–that no matter what is happening (even though it feels wrong, etc) your dark mind, depression will do about anything to make the depression go away–as the years moved on and we got what felt like thrown out and more of a hinderance, and evil burden to them (ministers) somehow a little little little part tried to find hope that maybe just maybe they would talk to us again, maybe they would “heal” us–god does miracles right–sure it was uncomfortable, sure they havent really talked to you in years (even though you live above them)–maybe someday it will change–they will come together and your life wont be this dark fucking HELL!!!–

well today that hope is 100% gone–they are no longer together as ministers or couple–such a long story, a story that pains us–but today was the finality of it as our mind, heart grieves–grieves now for everything we lost coming down here, grieves for the hope that is now 100% truly gone–something i know sounds stupid, something i know many dont truly understand–but what is our purpose, what is the reason we came here–they all but go on with their lives–their family, their friends, their relationships–as we have none of that here, no identity, no nothing, no hope–as we struggle with even having a purpose and WHY? we ever came down here???

now babbling sorry–guess just kind of venting to get the shit out of our minds as we sit here and struggle ALONE and try to survive this darkness, this nothingness–sigh..

What happens now????



One of 2 things on my mind tonight–read another persons blog recently–and she summed up what having MH issues, depression, ect is like–everyone treats you like you have the plague–yes so true–and it hurts–never felt so so alone in my life as this song sums it up for me too–will see if this works–not sure how to post a video from you tube but here is the link

Dont Laugh At Me by M. Wills–sad how much it still hurts as an adult

thoughts continued in next post