Costs and Gains

(Keep in mind as you read this, and any other post for that matter–that I struggle with UNtreatable depression, as well as other MH stuff–but meds did not work for me–tried them all twice) that being said–here is todays post

The darkness of depression is wrapping around me horribly

What has depression, MH costs me

Friends, Family, Job, my home (originally the only place i felt “home”), money, dreams, school, church hope, and someday will probably take my life

What has depression, MH given me

A “dark shadow friend” that follows me everywhere, a family that doesnt speak to me at all anymore since my “attempt” many years ago, a job of survival everyday, a house that doesnt feel like a home where I live in a room, nothing else that makes a person feel more alone when you live with someone, living on assistance which i hate with a passion (so i guess depression gave me passion ehh–so much rather be a person in this world then a burden to society), nightmares instead of “dreams” as well as survival everyday instead of looking forward to the next, almost ready to get my masters degree when all hit and dropped out, a church that kicked me out and a minister that proceeded to “exorcise” me to get the demons (guess that is another friend ehh) out and further caused more MH/PTSD issues, as well as “believers” who no longer want around me so they dont “catch” these demons, nor want to be around me due to, thus giving me the gift of further worthlessness, if i only prayed enough–but it has given me the longing to be HOME–in heaven–a thought that honestly have everyday–but plz dont judge, dont act upon–so

THANKS depression for all you have given me–NOT!!!



you can ALWAYS make time for people/friends

Knew what I was going to write–but then of course step away for a minute to make sure my son is on his way to school and yeah now forget–ugh

Nothing like feeling alone when you live with (meaning above someone)–whom claimed they were your friend–but it never fails to show me otherwise–so many times I get told all you have to do is ask–rides, support, ect–and yeah every so often i step out of my zone and ask–as long as i have a little notice she says–yeah–whatever I always learn that the hard way and yet again feeling the darkness–I dont have a car–as mentioned before–walking to the nearest “target” store to buy groceries, etc is expensive–would love to coupon, but i cant due to the convenience and limited places–last month after much begging I got a ride to aldis–after that trip i was told that she would do this every month, on the date i get my money–which is a week ago–so yeah i prepared, was ready, and planned–and yet again that day comes, and goes and I knew in my heart it really wouldnt happen–but i reached out–believed in your words–in reality it has been weeks since you even acknowledged me–the last time was when I broke down and was “su” thoughts–no how are you later, or anything–a five minute of intense tears–then “I have to go” from that person–as she goes and tells her boyfriend ALL about me–yeah ALL not just the little things, the private, confidential things too–which hurt and now I feel like a “freak” show–anyways as no conversation exists anymore, except when you arent doing anything–even then nothing no matter how much I reach out–but yet i am your friend, you  care–seriously????? you are the only person I know down here–and nothing–it hurts and I finally again get to the point where I close completely off–and know deep down I just have to step away and know i am only a fairweather friend so to speak when SHE NEEDS me, or money (she is also my landlord) as I struggle every month to even maintain my not going into further debt–anyways I could go on how much that all hurts–but I know I need to try to protect myself, right??? am I wrong??

which brings me to today–i gave her a card a week ago–in her mailbox which she just didnt get till today–so I know that is the only reason she said anything to me–I know or thought it might be a hard week or day for her due to her recent divorce, and this would have been her anniversary (unfortunately I hate others having to deal with stuff alone since i know what it is like so yeah i reach out to them) anyways today she said do you want to go to aldis–ummmmmm i was already feeling horrible due to the other stuff i wrote last time–but I said no–i thought you said and was planning a week ago–since i didnt hear anything and havent heard from you i made other plans now for my son to walk to target–i get—i was busy–of course you are ALWAYS busy–then dont tell me or offer anything to me because yes i depend on it unfortunately–she then said something else and i just broke down in tears, and walked off feeling alone as she knows–I am not going to be that fair weather friend, or person–if you want to be my friend you MAKE the time–it takes even a few minutes to fucking text and say hey–dont do that anymore—sorry spinning out, as i sit here and now wonder–did i do the right thing??? because i know she will blame me for not spending time with me–due to my depression–it is always my fault as hard as it is i rather be alone i guess then just an extra convenience when YOU have time—you can if you truly want to MAKE the time for others–that is your choice so plz dont tell me you are busy–or even tell me that you will do something when i reality unless you “have” the time you wont

seriously ENVY???

This time of year is absolutely the worst for me–first the anniversary of my fathers death, then the anniversary of my moms birthday (she also passed)–then the good ole holidays–which to me are just all reminders of how alone I really am–i remember those above days by myself–I long sometimes just for a friend to listen to me talk about those memories–a hug, an anything–but no–something that i expect every year anymore, but the hurt is still the same–the loneliness is still the same–and the holidays, which I will write more later–just such a hard time–sigh… those thoughts, the darkness just  just so intense–

anyways as the above looms in my mind, and heart—over the weekend another bad event took place–and please dont judge my reaction–a past person I know from where i used to live was killed in a motorcycle accident–i was close with his aunt–a dear friend of mine–we dont talk anymore–but the pain she most feel is so on my heart–really the pain of her and her family and how many friends, family, this person had when I knew him, and now–and as I think about the grief, I again just bottle it up–this is the only place I do or will say anything–no one in my life would care or want to hear anyways–and I guess that is when the darkness overpowers and as we all know the downward spiral pursues–again plz dont judge but as it happens and I think of him gone, dying–and the grief of his family–i ponder, and the ponder grows to envy–yeah i said envy–envy that why him, not me–i know how horrible I sound-but being honest–he had such a real life, a life full of hopes, dreams, family, friends, as I have nothing, no one, and a burden–yeah my mood  as I remember how alone I am and in reality how no one would probably even realize or care that I am gone–sigh…just wish again I had someone, anyone that would say glad you are here–or someone who would say how r you–or anything really–but…

yeah better close for now–again dont judge as I continue to try and fight that “big black dog of depression” that follows me all the days of my life

thanks for listening and reading