seriously ENVY???

This time of year is absolutely the worst for me–first the anniversary of my fathers death, then the anniversary of my moms birthday (she also passed)–then the good ole holidays–which to me are just all reminders of how alone I really am–i remember those above days by myself–I long sometimes just for a friend to listen to me talk about those memories–a hug, an anything–but no–something that i expect every year anymore, but the hurt is still the same–the loneliness is still the same–and the holidays, which I will write more later–just such a hard time–sigh… those thoughts, the darkness just  just so intense–

anyways as the above looms in my mind, and heart—over the weekend another bad event took place–and please dont judge my reaction–a past person I know from where i used to live was killed in a motorcycle accident–i was close with his aunt–a dear friend of mine–we dont talk anymore–but the pain she most feel is so on my heart–really the pain of her and her family and how many friends, family, this person had when I knew him, and now–and as I think about the grief, I again just bottle it up–this is the only place I do or will say anything–no one in my life would care or want to hear anyways–and I guess that is when the darkness overpowers and as we all know the downward spiral pursues–again plz dont judge but as it happens and I think of him gone, dying–and the grief of his family–i ponder, and the ponder grows to envy–yeah i said envy–envy that why him, not me–i know how horrible I sound-but being honest–he had such a real life, a life full of hopes, dreams, family, friends, as I have nothing, no one, and a burden–yeah my mood  as I remember how alone I am and in reality how no one would probably even realize or care that I am gone–sigh…just wish again I had someone, anyone that would say glad you are here–or someone who would say how r you–or anything really–but…

yeah better close for now–again dont judge as I continue to try and fight that “big black dog of depression” that follows me all the days of my life

thanks for listening and reading


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