Knew what I was going to write–but then of course step away for a minute to make sure my son is on his way to school and yeah now forget–ugh
Nothing like feeling alone when you live with (meaning above someone)–whom claimed they were your friend–but it never fails to show me otherwise–so many times I get told all you have to do is ask–rides, support, ect–and yeah every so often i step out of my zone and ask–as long as i have a little notice she says–yeah–whatever I always learn that the hard way and yet again feeling the darkness–I dont have a car–as mentioned before–walking to the nearest “target” store to buy groceries, etc is expensive–would love to coupon, but i cant due to the convenience and limited places–last month after much begging I got a ride to aldis–after that trip i was told that she would do this every month, on the date i get my money–which is a week ago–so yeah i prepared, was ready, and planned–and yet again that day comes, and goes and I knew in my heart it really wouldnt happen–but i reached out–believed in your words–in reality it has been weeks since you even acknowledged me–the last time was when I broke down and was “su” thoughts–no how are you later, or anything–a five minute of intense tears–then “I have to go” from that person–as she goes and tells her boyfriend ALL about me–yeah ALL not just the little things, the private, confidential things too–which hurt and now I feel like a “freak” show–anyways as no conversation exists anymore, except when you arent doing anything–even then nothing no matter how much I reach out–but yet i am your friend, you care–seriously????? you are the only person I know down here–and nothing–it hurts and I finally again get to the point where I close completely off–and know deep down I just have to step away and know i am only a fairweather friend so to speak when SHE NEEDS me, or money (she is also my landlord) as I struggle every month to even maintain my not going into further debt–anyways I could go on how much that all hurts–but I know I need to try to protect myself, right??? am I wrong??
which brings me to today–i gave her a card a week ago–in her mailbox which she just didnt get till today–so I know that is the only reason she said anything to me–I know or thought it might be a hard week or day for her due to her recent divorce, and this would have been her anniversary (unfortunately I hate others having to deal with stuff alone since i know what it is like so yeah i reach out to them) anyways today she said do you want to go to aldis–ummmmmm i was already feeling horrible due to the other stuff i wrote last time–but I said no–i thought you said and was planning a week ago–since i didnt hear anything and havent heard from you i made other plans now for my son to walk to target–i get—i was busy–of course you are ALWAYS busy–then dont tell me or offer anything to me because yes i depend on it unfortunately–she then said something else and i just broke down in tears, and walked off feeling alone as she knows–I am not going to be that fair weather friend, or person–if you want to be my friend you MAKE the time–it takes even a few minutes to fucking text and say hey–dont do that anymore—sorry spinning out, as i sit here and now wonder–did i do the right thing??? because i know she will blame me for not spending time with me–due to my depression–it is always my fault as hard as it is i rather be alone i guess then just an extra convenience when YOU have time—you can if you truly want to MAKE the time for others–that is your choice so plz dont tell me you are busy–or even tell me that you will do something when i reality unless you “have” the time you wont