thankful for this day finally coming to an end

So glad today is almost over–emotionally drained and I honestly dont think people truly understand–when I say it is lonely this time of year, i mean it in all aspects–it is days like this i truly feel like an orphan–both my parents have passed, and to me it is the “thought”–i always say the little things–yeah i know i am not physically alone–i have my son (whom is the only thing i am greatful for)–but honestly i cant do much for him, no thanksgiving, money for holidays, ect–but for me the lonliness comes from not being thought of–not even a hey thinking of you, or anything–i often wonder if people from my past think of me–not that it really matters–guess it is just a little something, a little light, a little anything that would show i wasnt really a pathetic burden, invisible, ect–there is truly nothing when you are “alone” when you are living with others–it is those little things

but as before, will struggle to survive, will fight my “thoughts”, and continue to be invisible–it is just this time of year it hurts worse

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“invisible”

This time of year is hard–sure it is with many people who struggle with MH issues, and such–It is this time of year i wish others truly understood lonly vs lonliness–I honestly dont mind being alone–someone who struggles with depression, honestly I like alone–the quiet, the serenity, the not spinning, no noise, ect–it is very difficult for me to concentrate when 2 things are going on at once–spinning pursues, and then the darkness

however, this time of year i struggle a lot with feeling alone, feeling not really lonly but alone–people say often get over it, be greatful, you have your son, and yeah thankful for him–but it is so much more then that–dont know much of anyone where we live-the one person we do, (someone who lives in the bottom half of the house)-doesnt talk to us much anymore–and that is what makes it so alone–i see gatherings for the holidays, the memories, the turkey, the celebration, the “family/friends”, and even the food–as I sit here with not a word, no food, no celebration, no memories–just lonliness really–not that I need anyone, not that i would really eat either since i struggle with an ED–but even this time of year it is the little things–as others gather sorry but I dont like to hear about them–guess i do, but dont–I often wonder if my “family” even thinks of me and my son anymore–doubt it–were never invited then either when we lived up there–but honestly all I really long for is a thought, a hug, a little thing–a REAL word that says thinking about you and your son today

just feeling invisible, and honestly would be easier if I really was–hate this time of year as the darkness gets darker and darker

and as I write this I know it is me, guess dont blame them, who would want to be around someone like me anyways, someone so pathetic, dark, lost, and such–“I” would–“I would spend it with any of you that has no one if I could”–if you are alone this holiday, sorry, drop a line here, I will listen, and read–and if youre not, please understand the pain for those who are and reach out to them–just a little hey thinking of you might be the one thing that gives them hope through the holidays

Fear of the uncertainty

I really was not wanting to write about the election–but dont have anyone else to vent too–i did write to one FB friend who understands but no one irl so plz bear with “us”-The presidential election this year, the time it lead up to it was very triggering to us–in a way that is hard to explain at times–personally didnt agree with any candidate–and honestly dont vote–for our own personal reasons at this time, some MH related–I did vote twice in my lifetime, but honestly they were forced because at that time I worked for a public, elected official and was “threatened” to vote–he was a power hungry person, so truth be told I went to vote but did not check his box–he was a huge bully where I worked, a judge to be honest–the experiences there lead into some of my ptsd stuff, anxiety and depression and i soon “quit”–anyways that is part of why this election and what lead up to it was so triggering–I was watching a bully, a person who spoke nasty things, had “alleged offenses” of sexual assault, intimidation, ect (something I to experienced, but where I worked was never believed anyways) and maybe with this candidate it was not true, but i tend to eerr on the side of caution–but the hate words between candidates, the hate between political parties, religions, america in general, ect–WOW–the words, the bullying, that it was okay to treat people that way–again as my mind was triggered because I too was bullied and to watch that, and have my teen son watch that–was very hard–but like everyone else was glued to this election–was over consuming, overwelming to us as we wanted to know “why” people liked either candidate–was waiting the whole time what do they have to offer??? at that point would have voted third party–but if had to choose this year would have voted purely on respect–which is good, never really knew the issues anyways 🙂 that being said we did hear all the negative talk, and further the negative talk about people like “us”, those with MH issues at one point he wanted to lock us all up, the “crazies” he said–and it was and now even harder to explain that to my teen son that it takes alot for that to happen–but honestly the “fear” is inside–the fear is there and yeah we udnerstand why people would think of “su” as an answer–again not there at this moment, but totally understand from that perspective–and the thought of hearing that assistance to people will be cut, ect–scary too–and to see the division in the world, in the america during, and even now after the election–even lost some friends over it (online ones) not because whom they voted or didnt voted for, but the disrespectful hate towards others the belittling, the words of meanness–to us bullying, yeah people have freedom of speech, and honestly would have loved to see some of the positives of either candidate, but the hate, the name calling, pure bullying (at least in our opinion)

for us we are full of uncertainty–scientifically the results were a surprise, shock–spiritually it gives us fear (something will write about in our other blog)–but personally it gives us confusion, fear of the unknown, not understanding, ect–survival in our life will be just that as the darkness takes hold and the results sets in, trying to explain to our son, but also trying to explain and calm ourselves

Because..regardless the results came down, and as we went to bed that night faded away in fear, again fear of the unknown, fear of the certainty, fear of the seperating, fear of what might happen to “us” and fear of the future for my son

I truly pray for the new incumbent president–I truly hope he can change things and give us “hope” and not “fear”–bring us together, not separate–people voted and i truly pray they get what they are hoping for, and I will hand it over to prayers myself–Good Luck Mr. President–honestly anyone who got voted in would need it