no escape

My mind is spinning and literally feel in a night mare that i can not wake up from–literally spinning and dizzy–trying to write through the trigger (yeah same one) and not working–on a positive the my migraine i was starting is gone–now just the after affects–the idk–just anticipating, and panics of waiting for that “sound” again

The last time I wrote about was horrible–and we knew once it was over the “emotions” of the event would happen–the days that followed–at the time of the trigger honestly dont remember it much–afterwards–extreme humiliation, embarassment that it happened in front of my friend and her family–but also so much anger because how or why would housepeople do that then when i asked them NOT to–when they knew the affects, when they knew and we asked, begged—and the next days that followed the hurt, the hurt of trying to understand the why, the how, that your friend (one of the housepeople you thought was) would do this yet again–that honestly this time broke me, broke us, broke parts within that it is so hard to explain==the grief of what is lost–the wondering are we never important, always invisible, burden, yada yada yada–normally we let things slide off our backs, forgive everything–we dont always forget but forgive–a few days after the incident we got a text, an apology–sorry hope you can forgive me–and honestly did not have an ounce of forgiveness within–didnt want to talk anymore–it wasnt the first time–this has happened probably hundreds over the years–but we forgave, but this time was different–and did not have it in our hearts to–we didnt reply back and havent talked to them at all–especially the one who hurt us–feel the trigger was deliberate–well last night we texted her after another small incident–but wrote we cant forgive, but maybe in time–and some other stuff but the main thing was plz text us, give us heads up next time–even 15 minutes, something so we can “prepare” ourselves–or leave, something–and again got okay–

which brings me to fucking now–sitting here was debating running to the library, something–and as we ponder that–the sound happens–that sound—no no no no not again no—we check text no warning??? nothing—ugh as the madness now begins and our minds spins and our hearts fill with emptiness again–shattered as we again why couldnt you give us heads up–as the sound starts, then stops, then starts 15 minutes later–and nothing

which shows me your sorry meant nothing–our words our heart our friendship our life means NOTHING

there has to be something we can do, report, something–some way to get through this some way to move out of this house of hell (so it seems)–some way to stop this madness

as we struggle now again with the trigger–the humiliation–the hurt–the burden of us–and the list goes on

really is no way to ESCAPE and words mean nothing

2017 another year of hell


PTSD-as the inevitable happened

Wasnt sure if was going to write–what or how–but oh so feeling the aftermath–the thing we fear, the thing we were trying and actually reached out to prevent–PTSD–but it happened at the worst possible time

From previous posts you all know a trigger here where I live–the trigger that can be preventable but the people I pay rent to and live above dont seem to care–after the time I wrote about it happened again last week-not quite as intense because they didnt do it as long–but the noise, the trigger was there none the less—not sure what to do because we struggle through the holidays–but also because this is one day a year (around this time) well this time a a day or so in the summer that my “bff” comes with her kids–a time for my son to enjoy being “normal”–a time deep down my mind fears of the “reactions” that we experience–that we cant control–so this year we asked, no i mean literally BEGGED for the landlord, housepeople (keep in mind they call themselves “friends”) anyway we begged them–my bff is coming in a few days plz plz dont make that noise or trigger me (they know the triggers) plz dont–i dont want the scares or the aftereffects for when they come PLLLLZZZZZ–we got an okay–needless to say still stressed, and worried, but hopefully??? well the annoyances were still here–the loud vibrating tv, music, alcohol, ect–but we blew that off–but then the night before she was to come–ummmm did we hear that noise–as our mind starts to lose control, and the reactions start–as we spin into the abyss–was that the noise was that the noise—certainly NOT right?? they promised, the said they wouldnt–as we continue to lose control–we “hear” the noise but it isnt as loud–but the turmoil starts–what do we do, what do we do, as the reactions and negatives start–sigh…this time it lasted about 30 minutes–as the tears are now flowing–and we start to think, do they not care??? feeling tortured–so we texted them and said did you not remember that our friend is coming tomorrow–do you not remember that we asked not to make that noise, do you remember???? do you not care?? and heard nothing till the next morning–as we had a restless night full of worry now, will they do it again when friend is here, and her kids–the fear is intense but back in my mind–certainly not will they??? no they wouldnt do that to us?? would they?? received a text that morning, yeah we remember she was coming, do you need anything–as my mind spins again–fuck so you did remember and did it anyway–reply: yeah NO TRIGGERS is what we need–no response–well at least they were reminded–it wont happen will it–

well…………………………………. friend comes we are stressing–then about 5 in the evening the noise–the dreaded noise–not soft but fucking loud and it goes downhill fast from there–was not pretty–and dont remember it all at first–just the cowering, the curled up, the tears, and other stuff–as somewhere in my mind I hear “how can you be doing this, how can you not care, this is abuse, embarassed, stop, plz, dontt and the list goes on as they continue with the noise for an hour and a half–would have been longer–but… we tried to say something, wanted to scream but were frozen, we tried to manage but couldnt–so after so long my friend went down and said plz stop you are triggering–and she got, oh, didnt know anyone could hear it—-fucking seriously—seriously!! the fucking neighborhood could-as they were now mad that we again made such a request as they slammed doors yelling at the top of their lungs-it honestly was about time for them to leave anyways now so the entire ending the inevitable occured as i honestly just wanted to escape from this madness i didnt understood anyway we could–we did have about 30 minutes left as she went and got the kids supper and we well werent good–but trying to shake it off–knowing the nightmares were going to happen

well it is the next day as we are now trying to remember and comprehend what and more the why as well as the fear now, are they going to kick us out, what is going to happen?? and the pure hurt that they would “torture” us like that knowing it could be preventable–as the anxiety of today of are they going to kick us out, are they going to do it again, help help help as we try to just focus on the now–no use asking for warning, no use asking for anything, no use asking for support, understanding–it is a common thing anymore—and there is NOTHING we can do to stop them–NOTHING–feeling trapped, feeling embarassed that my friend saw that, feeling so much and not sure how to deal that either–so yeah that is why we wrote–trying to understand–trying to never talk to them again–done, was the straw that broke the camels back and broke us literally this time (as the tears flow again so stepping away)

How could someone do that, trigger you when they knew, when you begged, when you asked–that is abuse???!!!!

Annoyance vs Abuse

right now really needing to vent–triggered here and nothing is helping–there is a fine line between someone who lives downstairs (your land people) and choose to blare their music, tv, ect–so much that your floor vibrates–these people invited you in (you and your son) a few years ago and know your MH issues, triggers, ect-promised to be support–that mentioned above is pure annoyance–we have trouble focusing when we hear too much and it makes us “spin” horrible, and our anxiety kick in, among other things–but we can usually eventually find a way to block it out–we even got a headset/portable CD player to listen to music to block out that loud tv–harder to block out the vibrations, but we tried and as hard as it was, was making some headway there–still annoying and anxiety kicked in–but… plus honestly the depression afterwards because our minds would think does anyone care?? are we invisible, ect–but NOW

a whole different scenario–and thought maybe writing might make it go away, but it isnt–when you get PTSD trigger–and yep that is where we are now-and plz keep in mind the people i live above, the ministers 100% know my triggers, at least most of them, as well as the results–they know!! and this is where i am now–after repeatedly asking them NOT to do some of these things, and or asking them to give us warning–yeah it is specific noises, lights, sounds, repetition type things–anyways if we know ahead of time then we try to block it out with headset, or leave–but this we had no warning, the spinning noise of tools-started at 7:00 now almost 10 and still going on–this happened a few weeks ago and we told them, well more they saw what it did to us and begged them to stop–of course they didnt—so after a few days we begged them to warn us–we care they said, they would they said—well they didnt–we again spiralling, asked them to stop–asked them to plz dont not tonight–tired, triggering–and of course no one listens–they still do it–and watch us and hear us imploding, sinking, and doing–and now sit here and trying to write and it still goes on–to us that is ABUSE–when you make the choice to continue, after knowing, watching, and experiencing–so plz do NOT ever tell me you care about us ever again—as we continue to sink further and further and now feel even more alone then ever before–you never really cared

hope to hopeless

how or why to continue survival when you dont even know what you are surviving for anymore 😦 you “hope” that you will finally wake up out of this “madness” this “darkness” and it never happens–you think that maybe this one day someone will finally acknowledge you when you reach out to them in crisis, only to get turned away AGAIN–as the darkness and invisibility continue–or when you try to do the one thing your son (teen son so..) that he wanted for the holidays–something you struggled getting, doing–only to now have him say it isnt “good” enough (so that is the way your mind takes it) because all his teen friends are getting better things–so you finally shout to him that he is getting the phone he wanted so much as you run out of the room in tears because it was suppose to be a surprise–and now the tears flow because your mind plays tricks and all you see now is your unworthiness to all–again–why continue survival when you dont even know what surviving for anymore???

just my thought and mood