hope to hopeless

how or why to continue survival when you dont even know what you are surviving for anymore 😦 you “hope” that you will finally wake up out of this “madness” this “darkness” and it never happens–you think that maybe this one day someone will finally acknowledge you when you reach out to them in crisis, only to get turned away AGAIN–as the darkness and invisibility continue–or when you try to do the one thing your son (teen son so..) that he wanted for the holidays–something you struggled getting, doing–only to now have him say it isnt “good” enough (so that is the way your mind takes it) because all his teen friends are getting better things–so you finally shout to him that he is getting the phone he wanted so much as you run out of the room in tears because it was suppose to be a surprise–and now the tears flow because your mind plays tricks and all you see now is your unworthiness to all–again–why continue survival when you dont even know what surviving for anymore???

just my thought and mood

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