Wasnt sure if was going to write–what or how–but oh so feeling the aftermath–the thing we fear, the thing we were trying and actually reached out to prevent–PTSD–but it happened at the worst possible time
From previous posts you all know a trigger here where I live–the trigger that can be preventable but the people I pay rent to and live above dont seem to care–after the time I wrote about it happened again last week-not quite as intense because they didnt do it as long–but the noise, the trigger was there none the less—not sure what to do because we struggle through the holidays–but also because this is one day a year (around this time) well this time a a day or so in the summer that my “bff” comes with her kids–a time for my son to enjoy being “normal”–a time deep down my mind fears of the “reactions” that we experience–that we cant control–so this year we asked, no i mean literally BEGGED for the landlord, housepeople (keep in mind they call themselves “friends”) anyway we begged them–my bff is coming in a few days plz plz dont make that noise or trigger me (they know the triggers) plz dont–i dont want the scares or the aftereffects for when they come PLLLLZZZZZ–we got an okay–needless to say still stressed, and worried, but hopefully??? well the annoyances were still here–the loud vibrating tv, music, alcohol, ect–but we blew that off–but then the night before she was to come–ummmm did we hear that noise–as our mind starts to lose control, and the reactions start–as we spin into the abyss–was that the noise was that the noise—certainly NOT right?? they promised, the said they wouldnt–as we continue to lose control–we “hear” the noise but it isnt as loud–but the turmoil starts–what do we do, what do we do, as the reactions and negatives start–sigh…this time it lasted about 30 minutes–as the tears are now flowing–and we start to think, do they not care??? feeling tortured–so we texted them and said did you not remember that our friend is coming tomorrow–do you not remember that we asked not to make that noise, do you remember???? do you not care?? and heard nothing till the next morning–as we had a restless night full of worry now, will they do it again when friend is here, and her kids–the fear is intense but back in my mind–certainly not will they??? no they wouldnt do that to us?? would they?? received a text that morning, yeah we remember she was coming, do you need anything–as my mind spins again–fuck so you did remember and did it anyway–reply: yeah NO TRIGGERS is what we need–no response–well at least they were reminded–it wont happen will it–
well…………………………………. friend comes we are stressing–then about 5 in the evening the noise–the dreaded noise–not soft but fucking loud and it goes downhill fast from there–was not pretty–and dont remember it all at first–just the cowering, the curled up, the tears, and other stuff–as somewhere in my mind I hear “how can you be doing this, how can you not care, this is abuse, embarassed, stop, plz, dontt and the list goes on as they continue with the noise for an hour and a half–would have been longer–but… we tried to say something, wanted to scream but were frozen, we tried to manage but couldnt–so after so long my friend went down and said plz stop you are triggering–and she got, oh, didnt know anyone could hear it—-fucking seriously—seriously!! the fucking neighborhood could-as they were now mad that we again made such a request as they slammed doors yelling at the top of their lungs-it honestly was about time for them to leave anyways now so the entire ending the inevitable occured as i honestly just wanted to escape from this madness i didnt understood anyway we could–we did have about 30 minutes left as she went and got the kids supper and we well werent good–but trying to shake it off–knowing the nightmares were going to happen
well it is the next day as we are now trying to remember and comprehend what and more the why as well as the fear now, are they going to kick us out, what is going to happen?? and the pure hurt that they would “torture” us like that knowing it could be preventable–as the anxiety of today of are they going to kick us out, are they going to do it again, help help help as we try to just focus on the now–no use asking for warning, no use asking for anything, no use asking for support, understanding–it is a common thing anymore—and there is NOTHING we can do to stop them–NOTHING–feeling trapped, feeling embarassed that my friend saw that, feeling so much and not sure how to deal that either–so yeah that is why we wrote–trying to understand–trying to never talk to them again–done, was the straw that broke the camels back and broke us literally this time (as the tears flow again so stepping away)
How could someone do that, trigger you when they knew, when you begged, when you asked–that is abuse???!!!!