no escape

My mind is spinning and literally feel in a night mare that i can not wake up from–literally spinning and dizzy–trying to write through the trigger (yeah same one) and not working–on a positive the my migraine i was starting is gone–now just the after affects–the idk–just anticipating, and panics of waiting for that “sound” again

The last time I wrote about was horrible–and we knew once it was over the “emotions” of the event would happen–the days that followed–at the time of the trigger honestly dont remember it much–afterwards–extreme humiliation, embarassment that it happened in front of my friend and her family–but also so much anger because how or why would housepeople do that then when i asked them NOT to–when they knew the affects, when they knew and we asked, begged—and the next days that followed the hurt, the hurt of trying to understand the why, the how, that your friend (one of the housepeople you thought was) would do this yet again–that honestly this time broke me, broke us, broke parts within that it is so hard to explain==the grief of what is lost–the wondering are we never important, always invisible, burden, yada yada yada–normally we let things slide off our backs, forgive everything–we dont always forget but forgive–a few days after the incident we got a text, an apology–sorry hope you can forgive me–and honestly did not have an ounce of forgiveness within–didnt want to talk anymore–it wasnt the first time–this has happened probably hundreds over the years–but we forgave, but this time was different–and did not have it in our hearts to–we didnt reply back and havent talked to them at all–especially the one who hurt us–feel the trigger was deliberate–well last night we texted her after another small incident–but wrote we cant forgive, but maybe in time–and some other stuff but the main thing was plz text us, give us heads up next time–even 15 minutes, something so we can “prepare” ourselves–or leave, something–and again got okay–

which brings me to fucking now–sitting here was debating running to the library, something–and as we ponder that–the sound happens–that sound—no no no no not again no—we check text no warning??? nothing—ugh as the madness now begins and our minds spins and our hearts fill with emptiness again–shattered as we again why couldnt you give us heads up–as the sound starts, then stops, then starts 15 minutes later–and nothing

which shows me your sorry meant nothing–our words our heart our friendship our life means NOTHING

there has to be something we can do, report, something–some way to get through this some way to move out of this house of hell (so it seems)–some way to stop this madness

as we struggle now again with the trigger–the humiliation–the hurt–the burden of us–and the list goes on

really is no way to ESCAPE and words mean nothing

2017 another year of hell


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