I try really hard NOT to call crisis lines–normally I dont reach out much to anyone anymore–why, well when I call my bff in a crisis I get I am busy–sigh.. seriously–and really no one else to call so we attempt to cope–usually we get through–honestly usually the “thought” is there but we fight it–but this time tonight, honestly our spinning mind (literally) and other MH things (ones dont want to write about right now) was going bad to worse–voices were getting louder–all this in the myst of the outside noises where we live–the huge trigger that started it all–we struggle with PTSD and literally hate noise–do to it making other “things” louder and worse–as it started we fought–we wanted to go say something to the trigger person but she/they are already aware of us–already aware how we can not stand noise and the affects–so we were struggling–after trying our so called bff it only got worse because now we arent important–and that voice is getting louder–so this time we decided to try a crisis line–needed to do something–a safeline something–someone to “understand”–someone who cared (even though not know them)–a real voice so to speak–so we dial–and what do we get but a voice mail–we are busy, plz try again later——–um seriously, what???? need you now what?? took my all to call??? are we that UNimportant—what?? so we tried again quickly–maybe it was our own voices and NOT an answering machine–nope same thing—SERIOUSLY???? sigh…unimportant
but now the noise downstairs has stopped (for now) and the frustration of the crisis line–at this moment we are thoroughly exhausted–but “THAT” voice is gone for now–so guess in a ironic way that crisis line worked–just not the way we thought or needed
i wonder has this happened to others too????
So many things could title this post–but as I start to type not sure what to title it–been a looonnngg few weeks–but then when isnt it when you struggle–so many anniversaries of stuff this month and next–but some other things took place of that right now–I lost a dear dear FB friend a few weeks ago to taking her own life–something that I have a really hard time with–makes it worse though that a few days ago was the anniversary of another dear friend who took her life—cant say I was shocked when I heard–so many emotions–first why, even though “I” know why–there are things i wanted to write but cant–we shared things and yeah our “su” thoughts were one of them–and yeah we used to reach out and text to stop–kind of like you cant go, till I do, but you cant–i know how weird that sounds—unfortunately though I backed away from her several months ago–more because of my own issues, and mental health stuff–I dont really share my stuff per se–and dont like others to be dragged down by my stuff–plus idk there were a lot of triggers there–she and I were so much alike, alike in ways that not many would understand–it was almost like when she felt, so did I at the same time, including thoughts, pains, headaches type pains, sharp jabs–just about anything–i know how weird that sounds, but as I would read sometimes her stuff and see it mimic mine guess i closed down, then I would see so many reaching out to her to help on FB, in life, ect and not one person would ever respond to me–and yeah that hit hard so yeah backed off—and yeah I regret that–makes me wonder :could I have stopped her?” knowing the reality of it is no we couldnt but…. then the unreal of it being a FB friend and not someone you physically see or know—the questions, is she gone, really, umm…… my mind doesnt comprehend that well and I found myself on FB her page all the time and it hurting more and more so closed off from FB too for now anyways—I did that when my other friend passed on FB and was there on her page all the time–i finally had to delete her friendship on FB–but it is so hard to comprehend that she is gone—another thing is she struggled with DID–multiple she had several of her “alters” on FB and we were friends with many of them so as we see the one gone, hard to comprehend the others are–we wait desparately for a text, a phone call, a post–i know sounds weird too—-and finally the envy—yeah i know that sounds bad–but……. wont go there right now–I want to write a poemfor her, which i hope to do next time–going to go for now, as my mind spins off and tears flow–miss you Genesis–miss you my B.F.F. a speacial meaning that only you and I know–fly fly fly, why oh why cant I said butterfly