are we worthy????

Am I really that unworthy?? cant fight the thoughts, feeling, depression–sigh..I have mentioned before the place I live–not sure if wrote how got here–long story if didnt–but I live upstairs from my landlord–used to be someone else, but now is not the best environment–dont see them much at all–the male is a pothead, alcoholic, animal abuser and loud, (we say emotional abuser at the least) anyway the upstairs, where we live has never been finished–something we have been promised for years and years–now keep in mind as you read this, that we have looked for other places, just cant find a place to take someone like us, and it is we need a place that my son can still get to school, us store, ect since no transportation–anyway, this place was suppose to be finished–but it never has been, the floors themselves are horrible, ugly—let alone the leaks in the ceiling, the leaks in the roof, the mold from the leaks, unfinished base boards, a deck (upper) that is falling apart–the leaks destroyed lots of stuff of ours, and the other room is not longer usable do to mold, the winter heat doesnt come up this far, and the central air doesnt either (when they choose to run it)–yeah the landlord knows this, seen it, and yeah has made promises–but now that is few and far between–we quit saying anything and just started documenting, and taking pics–wish could report it, but dont know how—my son has a docs excuse for the mold, and the males cigarette smoking, it hurts his lungs and his lung condition-the extreme heat and cold does too-but that doesnt matter to anyone–the yelling, noise, certain things that are done trigger our PTSD, as well as flashbacks, ect–things we wont get into–but when that happens there are times we cower and yeah just want it to stop—again things the landlord knows, things we have complained about, requested, ect–nothing is done..EVER

Does anyone hear us??? are we worthy of anything?? are we worthy of anything good in our life???ever???

is that reality, or the depression talking????

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No good deed goes unpunished…

Been having a real hard time lately–and this past week just got worse–so it seemed–one of those incidents. things that I just dont understand–Obviously I struggle with MH issues, depression being one of them–I briefly mention some of the others–unfortunately too am on assistance–NOT something I like, nor want or wanted for that matter–I much rather be a working productive, helping person in society–work for my keep so to speak, be the parent I am suppose to be–be like it used to be so many years ago with my degrees, ect–anyway that came to an end as I struggle to survive each day–raising my teenage son (who gives me hope)–I hate being on assistance–but this past week we had our “re-evaluation”–having a teenager, in school and having to help clothe him, feed him, prepare him for his adult hood–food, shelter, clothing, and love–unfortunately we depend on assistance–ALOT–as the re-evaluation came I knew (due to another circumstance) that there would be a little cut–but the shock and devastation wasnt even close to it–first I called at my alloted time—a time THEY gave–I called with a phone that I cant afford minutes on, but that I have also through assistance–when I call it usually takes maybe 30 minutes max–but this time was different–was on hold for over an hour–and as the hour turned to longer, my anxiety, depression, and yes the tears and panic starts–going to run out of minutes, cant hang up, cant loose the connection, cant…… as my emotions got worse and worse–my son said hang up, “me I cant..cant miss it…cant lose the assistance…cant…” my son says maybe they forgot you, hang up call again…sigh…cant what if it starts the time over and i lose minutes—tears are now flowing heavily—now keep in mind other times, other years, usually they will zip through everything, and verify nothing changed, and say all is the same—this mainly so I didnt waste minutes–this time was different, oh so different—i begged please hurry in tears, almost out of minutes, please–after waiting for now an hour and half—the lady said need to go through the questions–everything the same I say, other then then thing i sent you–we still need to go through it she says–plz plz hurry–another half hour with questions, dumb one I thought–but at the end, my anxiety and tears already–she states you are getting a cut–oh ok–(because I knew it was some, honestly expecting 50 cut) but she informs me that they are checking everything and I received a $225 cut in assistance—me:are you fucking serious, how am i suppose to feed my son and I–no comment from her as tears are flowing–seriously—i been on hold for so long, wasted minutes only to get told you are cutting it so much—this amount wont even feed a dog for a month–seriously???? I hang up in tears, my son asks what wrong–and all I think and say we got cut–seriously—I dont lie, i dont cheat with my assistance, i dont cheat the government, I have been appreciative–and I get cut–I could be like so many others, I could work under the table, cheat on taxes, do drugs, alcohol, ect and lie about how much my rent, utilities are==but I dont (I stated that because the person who lives below me, also my landlord, her and her husband especially does all that is listed)–I DONT–I do the best I can and yeah I get cut–as my mind spins and I try to figure out how to survive, how to feed, clothe, and get my son ready for school, ect—-all the while my depression kicks in, the tears continue to fall for the past few days, and the thoughts am I worthy of anything??? am i really a burden, how pathetic cant even do anything for my son, sigh…guess the positive it is a good thing I struggle myself with an eating disorder huh.

as I further struggle is it even worth it–survival that is????

No good deed goes unpunished ehh…..

Hockey Highs???

I wonder if anyone really understands what sports (hockey for us) does to a person–Been a hockey fan since college–then inĀ  2009 when my team (Penguins) won a stanley cup it really helped me through a hard time–I know they didnt know that–but for those on here who understand it was a time I was in the “hospital”–at least while the playoffs were going–I got to watch it and there, people would watch with me, and most for the other team–but… it was just nice to have someone there–when I came home that year, my depression again came tumbling down–but kept telling myself if they win the stanley cup–i will hold on–will try and hold on–this was a memory, my then 6 year old son and I shared–now he had a memory–at that time I wrote about hockey–expressed my depression and feelings through hockey in another blog—-

Last year same thing–something about this time of year–but the hockey play offs kept me going–and low and behold they won–a huge memory again for my son and I, who is a teen now and actually remembers–the one thing anymore him and I agree on and get along, and do together–after that win, again my thought—at least now he has a memory–(just in case…) always the depression talking

Now this year–the playoffs came–and again the Pens are in the final–my son and I try and watch together, but this year he is more testosterone so to speak and his anger at the losses, and plays get to him, of which he takes out on me–sigh…I try to hide, and put it behind me–sit him in the “penalty box” LOL–but for someone with depression it is so hard—As the final wound down the series ended Sunday—my mind hopeful (for a brief moment in my life)–my son and I together for a brief moment–as the game is long–but finally about 11:30 pm–PENS score–again back to back Stanley Cup champions–wow, my son and I hug, but also trying to be quiet because of an idiot landlord–a memory again for my son, and the dread in my heart (is this the last??)–my mind raced most of the night–excited in a sense but yet not–getting disappointed because no one to laugh with, excite with, cheers with, celebrate with—alone–alone is what I felt—-as now the emotional exhaustion kicks in

Now a few days after the win, the exhaustion and lonliness gets worse–the depression gets worse, the dark shadow over comes, as my mind doesnt have anyone to share with, nor does my mind have anything else to focus on–as I wonder and think how tired I am–and trying to find the strength again to survive another year??–as odd as it sounds hockey, PENS do so much that I am sure they dont even realize–THANKS

sigh……..

as I wonder does depression, survival ever end–will I ever REALLY smile again?? really??