I wonder if anyone really understands what sports (hockey for us) does to a person–Been a hockey fan since college–then in 2009 when my team (Penguins) won a stanley cup it really helped me through a hard time–I know they didnt know that–but for those on here who understand it was a time I was in the “hospital”–at least while the playoffs were going–I got to watch it and there, people would watch with me, and most for the other team–but… it was just nice to have someone there–when I came home that year, my depression again came tumbling down–but kept telling myself if they win the stanley cup–i will hold on–will try and hold on–this was a memory, my then 6 year old son and I shared–now he had a memory–at that time I wrote about hockey–expressed my depression and feelings through hockey in another blog—-
Last year same thing–something about this time of year–but the hockey play offs kept me going–and low and behold they won–a huge memory again for my son and I, who is a teen now and actually remembers–the one thing anymore him and I agree on and get along, and do together–after that win, again my thought—at least now he has a memory–(just in case…) always the depression talking
Now this year–the playoffs came–and again the Pens are in the final–my son and I try and watch together, but this year he is more testosterone so to speak and his anger at the losses, and plays get to him, of which he takes out on me–sigh…I try to hide, and put it behind me–sit him in the “penalty box” LOL–but for someone with depression it is so hard—As the final wound down the series ended Sunday—my mind hopeful (for a brief moment in my life)–my son and I together for a brief moment–as the game is long–but finally about 11:30 pm–PENS score–again back to back Stanley Cup champions–wow, my son and I hug, but also trying to be quiet because of an idiot landlord–a memory again for my son, and the dread in my heart (is this the last??)–my mind raced most of the night–excited in a sense but yet not–getting disappointed because no one to laugh with, excite with, cheers with, celebrate with—alone–alone is what I felt—-as now the emotional exhaustion kicks in
Now a few days after the win, the exhaustion and lonliness gets worse–the depression gets worse, the dark shadow over comes, as my mind doesnt have anyone to share with, nor does my mind have anything else to focus on–as I wonder and think how tired I am–and trying to find the strength again to survive another year??–as odd as it sounds hockey, PENS do so much that I am sure they dont even realize–THANKS
as I wonder does depression, survival ever end–will I ever REALLY smile again?? really??