Been having a real hard time lately–and this past week just got worse–so it seemed–one of those incidents. things that I just dont understand–Obviously I struggle with MH issues, depression being one of them–I briefly mention some of the others–unfortunately too am on assistance–NOT something I like, nor want or wanted for that matter–I much rather be a working productive, helping person in society–work for my keep so to speak, be the parent I am suppose to be–be like it used to be so many years ago with my degrees, ect–anyway that came to an end as I struggle to survive each day–raising my teenage son (who gives me hope)–I hate being on assistance–but this past week we had our “re-evaluation”–having a teenager, in school and having to help clothe him, feed him, prepare him for his adult hood–food, shelter, clothing, and love–unfortunately we depend on assistance–ALOT–as the re-evaluation came I knew (due to another circumstance) that there would be a little cut–but the shock and devastation wasnt even close to it–first I called at my alloted time—a time THEY gave–I called with a phone that I cant afford minutes on, but that I have also through assistance–when I call it usually takes maybe 30 minutes max–but this time was different–was on hold for over an hour–and as the hour turned to longer, my anxiety, depression, and yes the tears and panic starts–going to run out of minutes, cant hang up, cant loose the connection, cant…… as my emotions got worse and worse–my son said hang up, “me I cant..cant miss it…cant lose the assistance…cant…” my son says maybe they forgot you, hang up call again…sigh…cant what if it starts the time over and i lose minutes—tears are now flowing heavily—now keep in mind other times, other years, usually they will zip through everything, and verify nothing changed, and say all is the same—this mainly so I didnt waste minutes–this time was different, oh so different—i begged please hurry in tears, almost out of minutes, please–after waiting for now an hour and half—the lady said need to go through the questions–everything the same I say, other then then thing i sent you–we still need to go through it she says–plz plz hurry–another half hour with questions, dumb one I thought–but at the end, my anxiety and tears already–she states you are getting a cut–oh ok–(because I knew it was some, honestly expecting 50 cut) but she informs me that they are checking everything and I received a $225 cut in assistance—me:are you fucking serious, how am i suppose to feed my son and I–no comment from her as tears are flowing–seriously—i been on hold for so long, wasted minutes only to get told you are cutting it so much—this amount wont even feed a dog for a month–seriously???? I hang up in tears, my son asks what wrong–and all I think and say we got cut–seriously—I dont lie, i dont cheat with my assistance, i dont cheat the government, I have been appreciative–and I get cut–I could be like so many others, I could work under the table, cheat on taxes, do drugs, alcohol, ect and lie about how much my rent, utilities are==but I dont (I stated that because the person who lives below me, also my landlord, her and her husband especially does all that is listed)–I DONT–I do the best I can and yeah I get cut–as my mind spins and I try to figure out how to survive, how to feed, clothe, and get my son ready for school, ect—-all the while my depression kicks in, the tears continue to fall for the past few days, and the thoughts am I worthy of anything??? am i really a burden, how pathetic cant even do anything for my son, sigh…guess the positive it is a good thing I struggle myself with an eating disorder huh.
as I further struggle is it even worth it–survival that is????
No good deed goes unpunished ehh…..