This time of year is hard on us as it is–but to make it worse, living above an abusive person makes it worse–he is abusive to his wife, whom is our landlord—it triggers us horribly, our PTSD, as well as all those other thoughts–we try to stand up for ourselves and our MH–ask when all gets too loud–but this past month it backfired–he turned on us–we were called almost every name in the book, threatened to be kicked out, and ultimately told that he hoped the F*** B**** F*** dies–very trigger and very hard to swallow–still is–this past week they were away briefly, but the son stays here at time–and keep in mind the apple doesnt fall far from the tree as he too does the same stuff his father does and for us it was no vacation–well today we now get informed by the miss downstairs (our landlord) that we are now also thought of crazy bitch, a liar, stealer, among other things—and yeah at first, and if take it in context it hurts–hurts alot–as we struggle with the triggers–
however, as my son saw me crying, and was witness to some of the stuff we supposedly lied about it dawned on him, and me as i said to him, well yeah “I guess now we are liars, stealers, crazy, ect, all according to 5 abusive drug users.” and as soon as we said that, my son starts laughing–as the tears are flowing—and he laughs more and says you gotta admit mom, putting it THAT way, it sounds funny—so yeah vowing now to take those words and laugh because yeah, it did read, sound funny.
When people say, me included that they have a hard time, and alone this holiday–believe them—The common response, so we get is “Oh you are not alone, you have your son.” umm duh we know that, but unless you been there obviously you do not understand what we mean–it isnt (at least for us) the entire concept of being physically alone, but more so of alone, thought of, anything like that–again at least for us because we do–it is a horribly lonly time for us–and dont get us wrong, we dont mind being alone, dont mind no relationship per se–but it is a lonly time of year–it is the time of year in reality where people reach out to others, people do things for others, people reach deep down into their hearts and either donate to charity, donate their time, their energy, their heart where ever—the time of year where families come together, friendships come together–you send out your annual holiday card (or internet text now a days)–but that time of year where people connect–connect on a heart, deeper level–again all our opinion–but to us that is where the lonliness lies–sure we will be able to physically (and yeah will enjoy it the best we can) watching our son open his few gifts–but it is the days before going to the mailbox hoping for a card, and nothing–the little texts, the little emails, phone calls that say hey thinking of you this time of year–or the little “secret santas”, the cookies, the idk, the everything—the memories, the hope, the dreams, the hey we think of you too–idk again–just to us that is why we are alone, and having hard time–not sure if anyone understands that–we struggle every second getting through the next—and totally feel like charlie brown as again we check our empty mailbox 😦
Blessings, and thoughts to EVERYONE who reads this
I am usually not one that makes New Years resolutions–I honestly just try to survive each day–but this year am making one–to NOT reach out to others, but to remind myself that I am truly alone and will always walk alone–and try to remind myself that that is okay–been a hard year (when isnt it) but my living situation is worse, as well as the holidays are hard–always been the type of person who either reached out to others (honestly only to get shafted)-but more so been one who reached out to support others, to offer my heart, my soul, my comfort–and tried so hard to do the “little” things for others because I know what it is like to walk alone, and to struggle–and it hurts like hell–so I wanted to brighten others–so they knew they werent alone–but am done with that—maybe will change my mind but being on FB hurts, doing thing for others makes me feel good, but it hurts like hell to not even get a smile back from anyone–it is like i have the plague, well guess depression, and MH issues are the plague-so this next year i will walk alone–and will try my best to survive alone–and anyone who reads this, remember YOU are NOT alone–feel free to stop by here any time.
Been struggling alot lately–right now the topic of work place sexual harassment–all you seem to read and hear anymore–as new victims come out days, months, years later–as society again says why did they wait, they just want publicity, yada yada yada–to me it takes the stronger one to come out–but also a stronger abuser to at least and formost admit their wrong doing–for lack of better words, commend those that do–however I loathe those that dont–cringe at those that say fake news, they are lying, never happened–as you see not one but dozens whom come forward with similar stories–ummm seriously??? I am a strong believer that all accusations should be believed and most of all investigated–
as I write this my heart sinks again as i see names on the news—but more so, this triggers me, and my depression, as well as other thoughts–this happened to me in a work place–by more then one powerful elected official and law maker–was going to write about it, but guess for me the shame is still there–even after 10 years–sadly enough instead of karma happening to them—I am the one who struggles with depression, but worse ultimately lost my job. Maybe as this slows down will try and write more–just cant now 😦