Missing you

This is one of those things i keep putting off–been wanting to write, but out of site out of mind for us–and that is exactly what been doing—made some reference to it, but back in end of February I lost one of my dearest friends to su–and as I write that, the tears flow–unfortunately she wasnt the first–and I learned the last time that keeping fb friends with her page (the first was Lisa a dear dear fb, college) friend of mine–anyway as I went to Lisa’s page it was always the reminder of those feelings: sadness, lost, and for me envy–i know how bad that sounds–and a lot of guilt—this time the same feelings, envy is really big–dont say much but we had a “pact”–wont go into the details, but..well..yeah… she gone, we still here–but so much sadness, lost, and with her lots of guilt–guilty that isnt relevant, really but so real to us-we often wonder did we not do enough, reach out enough, ect–will refer to her as Gen.. Gen and us had so so much in common–a commonality that was more then just liking, disliking the same things–we never met–we talked a few times (not much) and texted—until the very end when for the last few months we went in hiding—truth be told things triggered us–mainly due to the commonlarities–but more so we felt we were hindering her and her healing….so we pulled away–a few weeks (if that) before–we tried, and she tried to get in contact with us–we only wonder—-but the similarities over all the years we known her was just frightening (and no not in a scary way) but weird way–we were both from the same state, both had similar “things” happen, whenever we would text, write, or read on posts on FB–it was almost the exact thing we wrote, texted, or felt–so deep as our feelings, but also it she had a symptom (medical), a bruise, a cut, or anything—weird how we did to–but never knew how or why–which is part of our MH stuff–it was just so odd–but odd in a good way sometimes because this was truly a kindred spirit to us, a person whom truly in all sense understood—-and now she is gone 😦  it went even as far as her in real life BFF has the same name as ours—-this all still seems so surreal to us–maybe it is because we didnt talk all the time, so it is almost like she, or I is just hiding, trying to deal–and out of the blue we stupidly thing she will write, or text again—all the while our heart knowing it wont happen—we just miss her more then the words here can say—going to try and post a video here–makes me think of her–just truly miss her–she really was the only one—sure it was on FB, cyber world–we dont talk about her, her death, or anything—no one in our life cares about us, or anything—plus not sure any one would really understand–they are our feelings that we are so trying to deal with–some days are better then others–how we miss you–how we miss our BFF…our kindred spirit

Angel by Beverly Mitchell–for you Gen

RIP Gen–fly with butterflies       RIP Lisa P

are we worthy????

Am I really that unworthy?? cant fight the thoughts, feeling, depression–sigh..I have mentioned before the place I live–not sure if wrote how got here–long story if didnt–but I live upstairs from my landlord–used to be someone else, but now is not the best environment–dont see them much at all–the male is a pothead, alcoholic, animal abuser and loud, (we say emotional abuser at the least) anyway the upstairs, where we live has never been finished–something we have been promised for years and years–now keep in mind as you read this, that we have looked for other places, just cant find a place to take someone like us, and it is we need a place that my son can still get to school, us store, ect since no transportation–anyway, this place was suppose to be finished–but it never has been, the floors themselves are horrible, ugly—let alone the leaks in the ceiling, the leaks in the roof, the mold from the leaks, unfinished base boards, a deck (upper) that is falling apart–the leaks destroyed lots of stuff of ours, and the other room is not longer usable do to mold, the winter heat doesnt come up this far, and the central air doesnt either (when they choose to run it)–yeah the landlord knows this, seen it, and yeah has made promises–but now that is few and far between–we quit saying anything and just started documenting, and taking pics–wish could report it, but dont know how—my son has a docs excuse for the mold, and the males cigarette smoking, it hurts his lungs and his lung condition-the extreme heat and cold does too-but that doesnt matter to anyone–the yelling, noise, certain things that are done trigger our PTSD, as well as flashbacks, ect–things we wont get into–but when that happens there are times we cower and yeah just want it to stop—again things the landlord knows, things we have complained about, requested, ect–nothing is done..EVER

Does anyone hear us??? are we worthy of anything?? are we worthy of anything good in our life???ever???

is that reality, or the depression talking????

No good deed goes unpunished…

Been having a real hard time lately–and this past week just got worse–so it seemed–one of those incidents. things that I just dont understand–Obviously I struggle with MH issues, depression being one of them–I briefly mention some of the others–unfortunately too am on assistance–NOT something I like, nor want or wanted for that matter–I much rather be a working productive, helping person in society–work for my keep so to speak, be the parent I am suppose to be–be like it used to be so many years ago with my degrees, ect–anyway that came to an end as I struggle to survive each day–raising my teenage son (who gives me hope)–I hate being on assistance–but this past week we had our “re-evaluation”–having a teenager, in school and having to help clothe him, feed him, prepare him for his adult hood–food, shelter, clothing, and love–unfortunately we depend on assistance–ALOT–as the re-evaluation came I knew (due to another circumstance) that there would be a little cut–but the shock and devastation wasnt even close to it–first I called at my alloted time—a time THEY gave–I called with a phone that I cant afford minutes on, but that I have also through assistance–when I call it usually takes maybe 30 minutes max–but this time was different–was on hold for over an hour–and as the hour turned to longer, my anxiety, depression, and yes the tears and panic starts–going to run out of minutes, cant hang up, cant loose the connection, cant…… as my emotions got worse and worse–my son said hang up, “me I cant..cant miss it…cant lose the assistance…cant…” my son says maybe they forgot you, hang up call again…sigh…cant what if it starts the time over and i lose minutes—tears are now flowing heavily—now keep in mind other times, other years, usually they will zip through everything, and verify nothing changed, and say all is the same—this mainly so I didnt waste minutes–this time was different, oh so different—i begged please hurry in tears, almost out of minutes, please–after waiting for now an hour and half—the lady said need to go through the questions–everything the same I say, other then then thing i sent you–we still need to go through it she says–plz plz hurry–another half hour with questions, dumb one I thought–but at the end, my anxiety and tears already–she states you are getting a cut–oh ok–(because I knew it was some, honestly expecting 50 cut) but she informs me that they are checking everything and I received a $225 cut in assistance—me:are you fucking serious, how am i suppose to feed my son and I–no comment from her as tears are flowing–seriously—i been on hold for so long, wasted minutes only to get told you are cutting it so much—this amount wont even feed a dog for a month–seriously???? I hang up in tears, my son asks what wrong–and all I think and say we got cut–seriously—I dont lie, i dont cheat with my assistance, i dont cheat the government, I have been appreciative–and I get cut–I could be like so many others, I could work under the table, cheat on taxes, do drugs, alcohol, ect and lie about how much my rent, utilities are==but I dont (I stated that because the person who lives below me, also my landlord, her and her husband especially does all that is listed)–I DONT–I do the best I can and yeah I get cut–as my mind spins and I try to figure out how to survive, how to feed, clothe, and get my son ready for school, ect—-all the while my depression kicks in, the tears continue to fall for the past few days, and the thoughts am I worthy of anything??? am i really a burden, how pathetic cant even do anything for my son, sigh…guess the positive it is a good thing I struggle myself with an eating disorder huh.

as I further struggle is it even worth it–survival that is????

No good deed goes unpunished ehh…..

Hockey Highs???

I wonder if anyone really understands what sports (hockey for us) does to a person–Been a hockey fan since college–then in  2009 when my team (Penguins) won a stanley cup it really helped me through a hard time–I know they didnt know that–but for those on here who understand it was a time I was in the “hospital”–at least while the playoffs were going–I got to watch it and there, people would watch with me, and most for the other team–but… it was just nice to have someone there–when I came home that year, my depression again came tumbling down–but kept telling myself if they win the stanley cup–i will hold on–will try and hold on–this was a memory, my then 6 year old son and I shared–now he had a memory–at that time I wrote about hockey–expressed my depression and feelings through hockey in another blog—-

Last year same thing–something about this time of year–but the hockey play offs kept me going–and low and behold they won–a huge memory again for my son and I, who is a teen now and actually remembers–the one thing anymore him and I agree on and get along, and do together–after that win, again my thought—at least now he has a memory–(just in case…) always the depression talking

Now this year–the playoffs came–and again the Pens are in the final–my son and I try and watch together, but this year he is more testosterone so to speak and his anger at the losses, and plays get to him, of which he takes out on me–sigh…I try to hide, and put it behind me–sit him in the “penalty box” LOL–but for someone with depression it is so hard—As the final wound down the series ended Sunday—my mind hopeful (for a brief moment in my life)–my son and I together for a brief moment–as the game is long–but finally about 11:30 pm–PENS score–again back to back Stanley Cup champions–wow, my son and I hug, but also trying to be quiet because of an idiot landlord–a memory again for my son, and the dread in my heart (is this the last??)–my mind raced most of the night–excited in a sense but yet not–getting disappointed because no one to laugh with, excite with, cheers with, celebrate with—alone–alone is what I felt—-as now the emotional exhaustion kicks in

Now a few days after the win, the exhaustion and lonliness gets worse–the depression gets worse, the dark shadow over comes, as my mind doesnt have anyone to share with, nor does my mind have anything else to focus on–as I wonder and think how tired I am–and trying to find the strength again to survive another year??–as odd as it sounds hockey, PENS do so much that I am sure they dont even realize–THANKS


as I wonder does depression, survival ever end–will I ever REALLY smile again?? really??


I usually dont struggle with “lonliness” but more so feeling alone–in the sense that no one understands, cares, believes, supports, ect—and where I live it is all true–have my son so dont usually feel lonly–but for some reason today–felt alone but lonely–very lonely–could be a variety of reasons why–always struggle with this day of the week anyway–my son as a teen is doing more on his own, or wants his space–makes me struggle more of being unneeded, unwanted, and why even hang on–sigh…

as was thinking of this a song by Doug Nichols, a song we sang in elementary school—it is about getting old–but to me today this song relates to older people but also those who struggle with mental health

They may walk slowly when you see them passing by, and sometimes it may seem they are in the way–but they were just like you, once upon a time, before the hands of time turned their hair to gray—give them attention, show them that you care let them know they are not forgotten, they got a lot to share, give them attention let your love shine through, it just may be that some day you will be old folks too.  (by D. Nichols)

As i struggle today with lonliness, both in an older sense (not real old LOL but with a teenager) but also as a MH person.

REACH out to someone, it may be the difference to them in a way you will never realize–reach out today

Only get…. (Sorry)

struggling today–but then when arent we anymore

Only get talked to when you arent busy (why cant people make the time)

Only get “heat” when you so call feel like it–landlord lives downstairs–governs the heat–however, it never blows up through our vents–we complained and of course get, nothing we can do….seriously this is YOUR place, your job as a landlord–therefore had to charge a heater (as they sit downstairs in the warmth)

Only get “cool” air in the summer when you feel like it–the heat, humidity upstairs is unbearable in the summer–both me and now my son have lung, breathing issues–of which we complained, and the landlord knows about–but again, nothing we can do, as they sit downstairs in the cold, cool air.

Only get..well never but when you know things trigger our PTSD, and other stuff–you know the things that make it worse, and what it does to us–things that can be avoided–things you knew about when you asked us to move in here–however, things you CHOOSE not to do anything about as our MH, PTSD suffer and there are times all we want to do is make it stop—sigh…

the only gets could go on and on and  on–

thinking will stop writing now—we are just INVISIBLE, and all this helps us realize the true reason why we never think we deserve anything

as wind down this post now tremendously feel and apologize how SELFISH we sound..ugh SORRY


stuck at a standstill

no where to go

no one wants us anyhow

no moving forward

no going back

all just is

the voices

the madness

the darkness

the noise

all just overwelming

just stand in the spot

and the only hope it seems

is the world will just swallow us up

just wanting it all to end

wondering but knowing

no one would even know

we were gone


“Does anyone hear her????

A huge struggle for me and my MH stuff–no one has ever heard us, cared, anything–way back to child hood to now–struggling with being “invisible”–therefore anymore we dont talk, write, or reach out–never heard anyways–the house we live in (upper apt) can be hell–needless to say we now live above a remarried landlord who has married an alcoholic, drug user, who can also be abusive–needless to say to is very very loud–and loudness, the sudden noises is a huge huge huge PTSD trigger for us–something the landlord has known..sigh..and anyone who has PTSD knows some of the effects–and when it hits, unfortunately the other MH issues prevent us from being able to use any coping techniques–all those voices, words, blah blah blah–there are times we just want everything to just STOP—this seems to be an everyday thing anymore and no matter what we ask or say—it is NEVER heard–plus the flashbacks from hearing the yelling downstairs doesnt help either—we try to cope, but to us it is hell and even my son struggles—his issue is health related–i believe it is also anxiety, panic attack related but evaluation says no–we have been to the doctors more times these past few months then his lifetime–he is a teen, but his breathing (something he struggled with as a kid too_ but never to this extent–sure the “mold” around and what the landlord was burning in furnace, the smoking, ect made it all worse–we have gotten several documentations from the doctor saying this affects his health–gave it to the landlord–again NEVER heard–NEVER cared—last night again was the worst for my son–we get up at 5:30 for school–he tries to go bed by 10–after springbreak it was hard to get to sleep (me never sleep it seems mind races) anyway at 11:00 he comes into my room–AGAIN the downstairs music, tv, whatever is so loud it vibrates his floor–usually it is mine but this time was his–his anxiety kicked in, his chest issues, ect–sigh…after 30 minutes i finally texted them–knock it off plz–after also copying all the noise violation charges and tenant/landlord laws–finally they stopped–but really?????? we want to give them the copy of the “laws”–but know they will tell us to leave—really?? sad thing is the lady/landlord was friends with us–she knows our struggles with MH and invited us here–she knows we have no money and all our assistance goes to them for rent–no money–thought she cared—but with all this again realize we are INVISIBLE–never heard

going to go now, depression hitting hard as well as other stuff–thanks for listening/reading–normally we dont write “personal” stuff per se about our life–more of our MH stuff–but…. so alone, not feeling lonly but alone and wonder–does anyone care–never heard


I try really hard NOT to call crisis lines–normally I dont reach out much to anyone anymore–why, well when I call my bff in a crisis I get I am busy–sigh.. seriously–and really no one else to call so we attempt to cope–usually we get through–honestly usually the “thought” is there but we fight it–but this time tonight, honestly our spinning mind (literally) and other MH things (ones dont want to write about right now) was going bad to worse–voices were getting louder–all this in the myst of the outside noises where we live–the huge trigger that started it all–we struggle with PTSD and literally hate noise–do to it making other “things” louder and worse–as it started we fought–we wanted to go say something to the trigger person but she/they are already aware of us–already aware how we can not stand noise and the affects–so we were struggling–after trying our so called bff it only got worse because now we arent important–and that voice is getting louder–so this time we decided to try a crisis line–needed to do something–a safeline something–someone to “understand”–someone who cared (even though not know them)–a real voice so to speak–so we dial–and what do we get but a voice mail–we are busy, plz try again later——–um seriously, what???? need you now what?? took my all to call??? are we that UNimportant—what?? so we tried again quickly–maybe it was our own voices and NOT an answering machine–nope same thing—SERIOUSLY???? sigh…unimportant

but now the noise downstairs has stopped (for now) and the frustration of the crisis line–at this moment we are thoroughly exhausted–but “THAT” voice is gone for now–so guess in a  ironic way that crisis line worked–just not the way we thought or needed

i wonder has this happened to others too????



So many things could title this post–but as I start to type not sure what to title it–been a looonnngg few weeks–but then when isnt it when you struggle–so many anniversaries of stuff this month and next–but some other things took place of that right now–I lost a dear dear FB friend a few weeks ago to taking her own life–something that I have a really hard time with–makes it worse though that a few days ago was the anniversary of another dear friend who took her life—cant say I was shocked when I heard–so many emotions–first why, even though “I” know why–there are things i wanted to write but cant–we shared things and yeah our “su” thoughts were one of them–and yeah we used to reach out and text to stop–kind of like you cant go, till I do, but you cant–i know how weird that sounds—unfortunately though I backed away from her several months ago–more because of my own issues, and mental health stuff–I dont really share my stuff per se–and dont like others to be dragged down by my stuff–plus idk there were a lot of triggers there–she and I were so much alike, alike in ways that not many would understand–it was almost like when she felt, so did I at the same time, including thoughts, pains, headaches type pains, sharp jabs–just about anything–i know how weird that sounds, but as I would read sometimes her stuff and see it mimic mine guess i closed down, then I would see so many reaching out to her to help on FB, in life, ect and not one person would ever respond to me–and yeah that hit hard so yeah backed off—and yeah I regret that–makes me wonder :could I have stopped her?” knowing the reality of it is no we couldnt but…. then the unreal of it being a FB friend and not someone you physically see or know—the questions, is she gone, really, umm…… my mind doesnt comprehend that well and I found myself on FB her page all the time and it hurting more and more so closed off from FB too for now anyways—I did that when my other friend passed on FB and was there on her page all the time–i finally had to delete her friendship on FB–but it is so hard to comprehend that she is gone—another thing is she struggled with DID–multiple she had several of her “alters” on FB and we were friends with many of them so as we see the one gone, hard to comprehend the others are–we wait desparately for a text, a phone call, a post–i know sounds weird too—-and finally the envy—yeah i know that sounds bad–but……. wont go there right now–I want to write a poemfor her, which i hope to do next time–going to go for now, as my mind spins off and tears flow–miss you Genesis–miss you my B.F.F. a speacial meaning that only you and I know–fly fly fly, why oh why cant I said butterfly