I usually dont struggle with “lonliness” but more so feeling alone–in the sense that no one understands, cares, believes, supports, ect—and where I live it is all true–have my son so dont usually feel lonly–but for some reason today–felt alone but lonely–very lonely–could be a variety of reasons why–always struggle with this day of the week anyway–my son as a teen is doing more on his own, or wants his space–makes me struggle more of being unneeded, unwanted, and why even hang on–sigh…

as was thinking of this a song by Doug Nichols, a song we sang in elementary school—it is about getting old–but to me today this song relates to older people but also those who struggle with mental health

They may walk slowly when you see them passing by, and sometimes it may seem they are in the way–but they were just like you, once upon a time, before the hands of time turned their hair to gray—give them attention, show them that you care let them know they are not forgotten, they got a lot to share, give them attention let your love shine through, it just may be that some day you will be old folks too.  (by D. Nichols)

As i struggle today with lonliness, both in an older sense (not real old LOL but with a teenager) but also as a MH person.

REACH out to someone, it may be the difference to them in a way you will never realize–reach out today


Only get…. (Sorry)

struggling today–but then when arent we anymore

Only get talked to when you arent busy (why cant people make the time)

Only get “heat” when you so call feel like it–landlord lives downstairs–governs the heat–however, it never blows up through our vents–we complained and of course get, nothing we can do….seriously this is YOUR place, your job as a landlord–therefore had to charge a heater (as they sit downstairs in the warmth)

Only get “cool” air in the summer when you feel like it–the heat, humidity upstairs is unbearable in the summer–both me and now my son have lung, breathing issues–of which we complained, and the landlord knows about–but again, nothing we can do, as they sit downstairs in the cold, cool air.

Only get..well never but when you know things trigger our PTSD, and other stuff–you know the things that make it worse, and what it does to us–things that can be avoided–things you knew about when you asked us to move in here–however, things you CHOOSE not to do anything about as our MH, PTSD suffer and there are times all we want to do is make it stop—sigh…

the only gets could go on and on and  on–

thinking will stop writing now—we are just INVISIBLE, and all this helps us realize the true reason why we never think we deserve anything

as wind down this post now tremendously feel and apologize how SELFISH we sound..ugh SORRY


stuck at a standstill

no where to go

no one wants us anyhow

no moving forward

no going back

all just is

the voices

the madness

the darkness

the noise

all just overwelming

just stand in the spot

and the only hope it seems

is the world will just swallow us up

just wanting it all to end

wondering but knowing

no one would even know

we were gone


“Does anyone hear her????

A huge struggle for me and my MH stuff–no one has ever heard us, cared, anything–way back to child hood to now–struggling with being “invisible”–therefore anymore we dont talk, write, or reach out–never heard anyways–the house we live in (upper apt) can be hell–needless to say we now live above a remarried landlord who has married an alcoholic, drug user, who can also be abusive–needless to say to is very very loud–and loudness, the sudden noises is a huge huge huge PTSD trigger for us–something the landlord has known..sigh..and anyone who has PTSD knows some of the effects–and when it hits, unfortunately the other MH issues prevent us from being able to use any coping techniques–all those voices, words, blah blah blah–there are times we just want everything to just STOP—this seems to be an everyday thing anymore and no matter what we ask or say—it is NEVER heard–plus the flashbacks from hearing the yelling downstairs doesnt help either—we try to cope, but to us it is hell and even my son struggles—his issue is health related–i believe it is also anxiety, panic attack related but evaluation says no–we have been to the doctors more times these past few months then his lifetime–he is a teen, but his breathing (something he struggled with as a kid too_ but never to this extent–sure the “mold” around and what the landlord was burning in furnace, the smoking, ect made it all worse–we have gotten several documentations from the doctor saying this affects his health–gave it to the landlord–again NEVER heard–NEVER cared—last night again was the worst for my son–we get up at 5:30 for school–he tries to go bed by 10–after springbreak it was hard to get to sleep (me never sleep it seems mind races) anyway at 11:00 he comes into my room–AGAIN the downstairs music, tv, whatever is so loud it vibrates his floor–usually it is mine but this time was his–his anxiety kicked in, his chest issues, ect–sigh…after 30 minutes i finally texted them–knock it off plz–after also copying all the noise violation charges and tenant/landlord laws–finally they stopped–but really?????? we want to give them the copy of the “laws”–but know they will tell us to leave—really?? sad thing is the lady/landlord was friends with us–she knows our struggles with MH and invited us here–she knows we have no money and all our assistance goes to them for rent–no money–thought she cared—but with all this again realize we are INVISIBLE–never heard

going to go now, depression hitting hard as well as other stuff–thanks for listening/reading–normally we dont write “personal” stuff per se about our life–more of our MH stuff–but…. so alone, not feeling lonly but alone and wonder–does anyone care–never heard


I try really hard NOT to call crisis lines–normally I dont reach out much to anyone anymore–why, well when I call my bff in a crisis I get I am busy–sigh.. seriously–and really no one else to call so we attempt to cope–usually we get through–honestly usually the “thought” is there but we fight it–but this time tonight, honestly our spinning mind (literally) and other MH things (ones dont want to write about right now) was going bad to worse–voices were getting louder–all this in the myst of the outside noises where we live–the huge trigger that started it all–we struggle with PTSD and literally hate noise–do to it making other “things” louder and worse–as it started we fought–we wanted to go say something to the trigger person but she/they are already aware of us–already aware how we can not stand noise and the affects–so we were struggling–after trying our so called bff it only got worse because now we arent important–and that voice is getting louder–so this time we decided to try a crisis line–needed to do something–a safeline something–someone to “understand”–someone who cared (even though not know them)–a real voice so to speak–so we dial–and what do we get but a voice mail–we are busy, plz try again later——–um seriously, what???? need you now what?? took my all to call??? are we that UNimportant—what?? so we tried again quickly–maybe it was our own voices and NOT an answering machine–nope same thing—SERIOUSLY???? sigh…unimportant

but now the noise downstairs has stopped (for now) and the frustration of the crisis line–at this moment we are thoroughly exhausted–but “THAT” voice is gone for now–so guess in a  ironic way that crisis line worked–just not the way we thought or needed

i wonder has this happened to others too????



So many things could title this post–but as I start to type not sure what to title it–been a looonnngg few weeks–but then when isnt it when you struggle–so many anniversaries of stuff this month and next–but some other things took place of that right now–I lost a dear dear FB friend a few weeks ago to taking her own life–something that I have a really hard time with–makes it worse though that a few days ago was the anniversary of another dear friend who took her life—cant say I was shocked when I heard–so many emotions–first why, even though “I” know why–there are things i wanted to write but cant–we shared things and yeah our “su” thoughts were one of them–and yeah we used to reach out and text to stop–kind of like you cant go, till I do, but you cant–i know how weird that sounds—unfortunately though I backed away from her several months ago–more because of my own issues, and mental health stuff–I dont really share my stuff per se–and dont like others to be dragged down by my stuff–plus idk there were a lot of triggers there–she and I were so much alike, alike in ways that not many would understand–it was almost like when she felt, so did I at the same time, including thoughts, pains, headaches type pains, sharp jabs–just about anything–i know how weird that sounds, but as I would read sometimes her stuff and see it mimic mine guess i closed down, then I would see so many reaching out to her to help on FB, in life, ect and not one person would ever respond to me–and yeah that hit hard so yeah backed off—and yeah I regret that–makes me wonder :could I have stopped her?” knowing the reality of it is no we couldnt but…. then the unreal of it being a FB friend and not someone you physically see or know—the questions, is she gone, really, umm…… my mind doesnt comprehend that well and I found myself on FB her page all the time and it hurting more and more so closed off from FB too for now anyways—I did that when my other friend passed on FB and was there on her page all the time–i finally had to delete her friendship on FB–but it is so hard to comprehend that she is gone—another thing is she struggled with DID–multiple she had several of her “alters” on FB and we were friends with many of them so as we see the one gone, hard to comprehend the others are–we wait desparately for a text, a phone call, a post–i know sounds weird too—-and finally the envy—yeah i know that sounds bad–but……. wont go there right now–I want to write a poemfor her, which i hope to do next time–going to go for now, as my mind spins off and tears flow–miss you Genesis–miss you my B.F.F. a speacial meaning that only you and I know–fly fly fly, why oh why cant I said butterfly


IRL–(In Real Life)–something been struggling alot with lately–something I think offends some people when i say that, or write it on FB–When I use that term I am in no way signifying that any of the cyber world are any “less” of a friend or anything–but to me IRL means physical contact, real physical movement of mouth, words, touch–something at times I hate physical contact–however I also miss those real words as you see their mouth move, “I care, I support, you are special, you are going to be okay, ect ect ect….) a VM isnt enough, a text isnt the same, nor is a “virtual hug”–or a “virtual” I am there for you—sorry but it does not compare to sitting in a doctors office with someone, or crying your eyes out and a physical hug, or verbal words–dont know if anyone else understands–again a lot of times struggle with the physical–but when you are going through something, struggling with MH depression, anxiety, ect–that stuff means the world, those “real” little things–does anyone understand, does anyone know what I mean????? feeling so alone, so invisible, so unwanted–just struggling alot lately–sorry–just wish could physically disappear

hate to admit

was hesitant on writing this–very hesitant because, well just because–I am supportive of the president–however, now that he is in office the fears are tremendous–the changes, the things he says he is going to do–I, myself never asked to be on welfare, assistance, ssi—my life many years ago was so dedicated to what i did–i worked as a victim advocate–working on my masters degree–was a chaplain who spoke up against DV, rape, any kind of crime on behalf of the victims in court settings–as well as ran programs outside of that setting–i was a single mom who also had another part time job and was working on my masters in counseling–when out of the blew my world shattered and this “dark pit” of depression seemed to come out of no where changing my life forever—full of uncertainity, fears, dx, losing my job, my hopes, my dreams, my friends, ultimately leading me to live off of SSI–something I NEVER strived for, nor was my goal–i long to work now but due to some of the things i simply cant—and that is where the fears come in–no one understands the MH–those that struggle–I hear (and yeah maybe it aint all true, or all doable in reality) but i hear what the president wants to do–take away benefits, make them work (and for some I understand)-other things have been said about people like “me”—could go on and those fears may not be real to all–but to us they 100% are–sure some of this change is great for economy, the working, the “not sure of the word” but it seems like people like us, those “little” people so to speak are the ones who are going to get hurt in this process–just fear is overwelming right now as the uncertainty reigns in my mind—but all we can do is STAND TOGETHER

no escape

My mind is spinning and literally feel in a night mare that i can not wake up from–literally spinning and dizzy–trying to write through the trigger (yeah same one) and not working–on a positive the my migraine i was starting is gone–now just the after affects–the idk–just anticipating, and panics of waiting for that “sound” again

The last time I wrote about was horrible–and we knew once it was over the “emotions” of the event would happen–the days that followed–at the time of the trigger honestly dont remember it much–afterwards–extreme humiliation, embarassment that it happened in front of my friend and her family–but also so much anger because how or why would housepeople do that then when i asked them NOT to–when they knew the affects, when they knew and we asked, begged—and the next days that followed the hurt, the hurt of trying to understand the why, the how, that your friend (one of the housepeople you thought was) would do this yet again–that honestly this time broke me, broke us, broke parts within that it is so hard to explain==the grief of what is lost–the wondering are we never important, always invisible, burden, yada yada yada–normally we let things slide off our backs, forgive everything–we dont always forget but forgive–a few days after the incident we got a text, an apology–sorry hope you can forgive me–and honestly did not have an ounce of forgiveness within–didnt want to talk anymore–it wasnt the first time–this has happened probably hundreds over the years–but we forgave, but this time was different–and did not have it in our hearts to–we didnt reply back and havent talked to them at all–especially the one who hurt us–feel the trigger was deliberate–well last night we texted her after another small incident–but wrote we cant forgive, but maybe in time–and some other stuff but the main thing was plz text us, give us heads up next time–even 15 minutes, something so we can “prepare” ourselves–or leave, something–and again got okay–

which brings me to fucking now–sitting here was debating running to the library, something–and as we ponder that–the sound happens–that sound—no no no no not again no—we check text no warning??? nothing—ugh as the madness now begins and our minds spins and our hearts fill with emptiness again–shattered as we again why couldnt you give us heads up–as the sound starts, then stops, then starts 15 minutes later–and nothing

which shows me your sorry meant nothing–our words our heart our friendship our life means NOTHING

there has to be something we can do, report, something–some way to get through this some way to move out of this house of hell (so it seems)–some way to stop this madness

as we struggle now again with the trigger–the humiliation–the hurt–the burden of us–and the list goes on

really is no way to ESCAPE and words mean nothing

2017 another year of hell

PTSD-as the inevitable happened

Wasnt sure if was going to write–what or how–but oh so feeling the aftermath–the thing we fear, the thing we were trying and actually reached out to prevent–PTSD–but it happened at the worst possible time

From previous posts you all know a trigger here where I live–the trigger that can be preventable but the people I pay rent to and live above dont seem to care–after the time I wrote about it happened again last week-not quite as intense because they didnt do it as long–but the noise, the trigger was there none the less—not sure what to do because we struggle through the holidays–but also because this is one day a year (around this time) well this time a a day or so in the summer that my “bff” comes with her kids–a time for my son to enjoy being “normal”–a time deep down my mind fears of the “reactions” that we experience–that we cant control–so this year we asked, no i mean literally BEGGED for the landlord, housepeople (keep in mind they call themselves “friends”) anyway we begged them–my bff is coming in a few days plz plz dont make that noise or trigger me (they know the triggers) plz dont–i dont want the scares or the aftereffects for when they come PLLLLZZZZZ–we got an okay–needless to say still stressed, and worried, but hopefully??? well the annoyances were still here–the loud vibrating tv, music, alcohol, ect–but we blew that off–but then the night before she was to come–ummmm did we hear that noise–as our mind starts to lose control, and the reactions start–as we spin into the abyss–was that the noise was that the noise—certainly NOT right?? they promised, the said they wouldnt–as we continue to lose control–we “hear” the noise but it isnt as loud–but the turmoil starts–what do we do, what do we do, as the reactions and negatives start–sigh…this time it lasted about 30 minutes–as the tears are now flowing–and we start to think, do they not care??? feeling tortured–so we texted them and said did you not remember that our friend is coming tomorrow–do you not remember that we asked not to make that noise, do you remember???? do you not care?? and heard nothing till the next morning–as we had a restless night full of worry now, will they do it again when friend is here, and her kids–the fear is intense but back in my mind–certainly not will they??? no they wouldnt do that to us?? would they?? received a text that morning, yeah we remember she was coming, do you need anything–as my mind spins again–fuck so you did remember and did it anyway–reply: yeah NO TRIGGERS is what we need–no response–well at least they were reminded–it wont happen will it–

well…………………………………. friend comes we are stressing–then about 5 in the evening the noise–the dreaded noise–not soft but fucking loud and it goes downhill fast from there–was not pretty–and dont remember it all at first–just the cowering, the curled up, the tears, and other stuff–as somewhere in my mind I hear “how can you be doing this, how can you not care, this is abuse, embarassed, stop, plz, dontt and the list goes on as they continue with the noise for an hour and a half–would have been longer–but… we tried to say something, wanted to scream but were frozen, we tried to manage but couldnt–so after so long my friend went down and said plz stop you are triggering–and she got, oh, didnt know anyone could hear it—-fucking seriously—seriously!! the fucking neighborhood could-as they were now mad that we again made such a request as they slammed doors yelling at the top of their lungs-it honestly was about time for them to leave anyways now so the entire ending the inevitable occured as i honestly just wanted to escape from this madness i didnt understood anyway we could–we did have about 30 minutes left as she went and got the kids supper and we well werent good–but trying to shake it off–knowing the nightmares were going to happen

well it is the next day as we are now trying to remember and comprehend what and more the why as well as the fear now, are they going to kick us out, what is going to happen?? and the pure hurt that they would “torture” us like that knowing it could be preventable–as the anxiety of today of are they going to kick us out, are they going to do it again, help help help as we try to just focus on the now–no use asking for warning, no use asking for anything, no use asking for support, understanding–it is a common thing anymore—and there is NOTHING we can do to stop them–NOTHING–feeling trapped, feeling embarassed that my friend saw that, feeling so much and not sure how to deal that either–so yeah that is why we wrote–trying to understand–trying to never talk to them again–done, was the straw that broke the camels back and broke us literally this time (as the tears flow again so stepping away)

How could someone do that, trigger you when they knew, when you begged, when you asked–that is abuse???!!!!