IRL

IRL–(In Real Life)–something been struggling alot with lately–something I think offends some people when i say that, or write it on FB–When I use that term I am in no way signifying that any of the cyber world are any “less” of a friend or anything–but to me IRL means physical contact, real physical movement of mouth, words, touch–something at times I hate physical contact–however I also miss those real words as you see their mouth move, “I care, I support, you are special, you are going to be okay, ect ect ect….) a VM isnt enough, a text isnt the same, nor is a “virtual hug”–or a “virtual” I am there for you—sorry but it does not compare to sitting in a doctors office with someone, or crying your eyes out and a physical hug, or verbal words–dont know if anyone else understands–again a lot of times struggle with the physical–but when you are going through something, struggling with MH depression, anxiety, ect–that stuff means the world, those “real” little things–does anyone understand, does anyone know what I mean????? feeling so alone, so invisible, so unwanted–just struggling alot lately–sorry–just wish could physically disappear

hate to admit

was hesitant on writing this–very hesitant because, well just because–I am supportive of the president–however, now that he is in office the fears are tremendous–the changes, the things he says he is going to do–I, myself never asked to be on welfare, assistance, ssi—my life many years ago was so dedicated to what i did–i worked as a victim advocate–working on my masters degree–was a chaplain who spoke up against DV, rape, any kind of crime on behalf of the victims in court settings–as well as ran programs outside of that setting–i was a single mom who also had another part time job and was working on my masters in counseling–when out of the blew my world shattered and this “dark pit” of depression seemed to come out of no where changing my life forever—full of uncertainity, fears, dx, losing my job, my hopes, my dreams, my friends, ultimately leading me to live off of SSI–something I NEVER strived for, nor was my goal–i long to work now but due to some of the things i simply cant—and that is where the fears come in–no one understands the MH–those that struggle–I hear (and yeah maybe it aint all true, or all doable in reality) but i hear what the president wants to do–take away benefits, make them work (and for some I understand)-other things have been said about people like “me”—could go on and those fears may not be real to all–but to us they 100% are–sure some of this change is great for economy, the working, the “not sure of the word” but it seems like people like us, those “little” people so to speak are the ones who are going to get hurt in this process–just fear is overwelming right now as the uncertainty reigns in my mind—but all we can do is STAND TOGETHER

no escape

My mind is spinning and literally feel in a night mare that i can not wake up from–literally spinning and dizzy–trying to write through the trigger (yeah same one) and not working–on a positive the my migraine i was starting is gone–now just the after affects–the idk–just anticipating, and panics of waiting for that “sound” again

The last time I wrote about was horrible–and we knew once it was over the “emotions” of the event would happen–the days that followed–at the time of the trigger honestly dont remember it much–afterwards–extreme humiliation, embarassment that it happened in front of my friend and her family–but also so much anger because how or why would housepeople do that then when i asked them NOT to–when they knew the affects, when they knew and we asked, begged—and the next days that followed the hurt, the hurt of trying to understand the why, the how, that your friend (one of the housepeople you thought was) would do this yet again–that honestly this time broke me, broke us, broke parts within that it is so hard to explain==the grief of what is lost–the wondering are we never important, always invisible, burden, yada yada yada–normally we let things slide off our backs, forgive everything–we dont always forget but forgive–a few days after the incident we got a text, an apology–sorry hope you can forgive me–and honestly did not have an ounce of forgiveness within–didnt want to talk anymore–it wasnt the first time–this has happened probably hundreds over the years–but we forgave, but this time was different–and did not have it in our hearts to–we didnt reply back and havent talked to them at all–especially the one who hurt us–feel the trigger was deliberate–well last night we texted her after another small incident–but wrote we cant forgive, but maybe in time–and some other stuff but the main thing was plz text us, give us heads up next time–even 15 minutes, something so we can “prepare” ourselves–or leave, something–and again got okay–

which brings me to fucking now–sitting here was debating running to the library, something–and as we ponder that–the sound happens–that sound—no no no no not again no—we check text no warning??? nothing—ugh as the madness now begins and our minds spins and our hearts fill with emptiness again–shattered as we again why couldnt you give us heads up–as the sound starts, then stops, then starts 15 minutes later–and nothing

which shows me your sorry meant nothing–our words our heart our friendship our life means NOTHING

there has to be something we can do, report, something–some way to get through this some way to move out of this house of hell (so it seems)–some way to stop this madness

as we struggle now again with the trigger–the humiliation–the hurt–the burden of us–and the list goes on

really is no way to ESCAPE and words mean nothing

2017 another year of hell

PTSD-as the inevitable happened

Wasnt sure if was going to write–what or how–but oh so feeling the aftermath–the thing we fear, the thing we were trying and actually reached out to prevent–PTSD–but it happened at the worst possible time

From previous posts you all know a trigger here where I live–the trigger that can be preventable but the people I pay rent to and live above dont seem to care–after the time I wrote about it happened again last week-not quite as intense because they didnt do it as long–but the noise, the trigger was there none the less—not sure what to do because we struggle through the holidays–but also because this is one day a year (around this time) well this time a a day or so in the summer that my “bff” comes with her kids–a time for my son to enjoy being “normal”–a time deep down my mind fears of the “reactions” that we experience–that we cant control–so this year we asked, no i mean literally BEGGED for the landlord, housepeople (keep in mind they call themselves “friends”) anyway we begged them–my bff is coming in a few days plz plz dont make that noise or trigger me (they know the triggers) plz dont–i dont want the scares or the aftereffects for when they come PLLLLZZZZZ–we got an okay–needless to say still stressed, and worried, but hopefully??? well the annoyances were still here–the loud vibrating tv, music, alcohol, ect–but we blew that off–but then the night before she was to come–ummmm did we hear that noise–as our mind starts to lose control, and the reactions start–as we spin into the abyss–was that the noise was that the noise—certainly NOT right?? they promised, the said they wouldnt–as we continue to lose control–we “hear” the noise but it isnt as loud–but the turmoil starts–what do we do, what do we do, as the reactions and negatives start–sigh…this time it lasted about 30 minutes–as the tears are now flowing–and we start to think, do they not care??? feeling tortured–so we texted them and said did you not remember that our friend is coming tomorrow–do you not remember that we asked not to make that noise, do you remember???? do you not care?? and heard nothing till the next morning–as we had a restless night full of worry now, will they do it again when friend is here, and her kids–the fear is intense but back in my mind–certainly not will they??? no they wouldnt do that to us?? would they?? received a text that morning, yeah we remember she was coming, do you need anything–as my mind spins again–fuck so you did remember and did it anyway–reply: yeah NO TRIGGERS is what we need–no response–well at least they were reminded–it wont happen will it–

well…………………………………. friend comes we are stressing–then about 5 in the evening the noise–the dreaded noise–not soft but fucking loud and it goes downhill fast from there–was not pretty–and dont remember it all at first–just the cowering, the curled up, the tears, and other stuff–as somewhere in my mind I hear “how can you be doing this, how can you not care, this is abuse, embarassed, stop, plz, dontt and the list goes on as they continue with the noise for an hour and a half–would have been longer–but… we tried to say something, wanted to scream but were frozen, we tried to manage but couldnt–so after so long my friend went down and said plz stop you are triggering–and she got, oh, didnt know anyone could hear it—-fucking seriously—seriously!! the fucking neighborhood could-as they were now mad that we again made such a request as they slammed doors yelling at the top of their lungs-it honestly was about time for them to leave anyways now so the entire ending the inevitable occured as i honestly just wanted to escape from this madness i didnt understood anyway we could–we did have about 30 minutes left as she went and got the kids supper and we well werent good–but trying to shake it off–knowing the nightmares were going to happen

well it is the next day as we are now trying to remember and comprehend what and more the why as well as the fear now, are they going to kick us out, what is going to happen?? and the pure hurt that they would “torture” us like that knowing it could be preventable–as the anxiety of today of are they going to kick us out, are they going to do it again, help help help as we try to just focus on the now–no use asking for warning, no use asking for anything, no use asking for support, understanding–it is a common thing anymore—and there is NOTHING we can do to stop them–NOTHING–feeling trapped, feeling embarassed that my friend saw that, feeling so much and not sure how to deal that either–so yeah that is why we wrote–trying to understand–trying to never talk to them again–done, was the straw that broke the camels back and broke us literally this time (as the tears flow again so stepping away)

How could someone do that, trigger you when they knew, when you begged, when you asked–that is abuse???!!!!

Annoyance vs Abuse

right now really needing to vent–triggered here and nothing is helping–there is a fine line between someone who lives downstairs (your land people) and choose to blare their music, tv, ect–so much that your floor vibrates–these people invited you in (you and your son) a few years ago and know your MH issues, triggers, ect-promised to be support–that mentioned above is pure annoyance–we have trouble focusing when we hear too much and it makes us “spin” horrible, and our anxiety kick in, among other things–but we can usually eventually find a way to block it out–we even got a headset/portable CD player to listen to music to block out that loud tv–harder to block out the vibrations, but we tried and as hard as it was, was making some headway there–still annoying and anxiety kicked in–but… plus honestly the depression afterwards because our minds would think does anyone care?? are we invisible, ect–but NOW

a whole different scenario–and thought maybe writing might make it go away, but it isnt–when you get PTSD trigger–and yep that is where we are now-and plz keep in mind the people i live above, the ministers 100% know my triggers, at least most of them, as well as the results–they know!! and this is where i am now–after repeatedly asking them NOT to do some of these things, and or asking them to give us warning–yeah it is specific noises, lights, sounds, repetition type things–anyways if we know ahead of time then we try to block it out with headset, or leave–but this we had no warning, the spinning noise of tools-started at 7:00 now almost 10 and still going on–this happened a few weeks ago and we told them, well more they saw what it did to us and begged them to stop–of course they didnt—so after a few days we begged them to warn us–we care they said, they would they said—well they didnt–we again spiralling, asked them to stop–asked them to plz dont not tonight–tired, triggering–and of course no one listens–they still do it–and watch us and hear us imploding, sinking, and doing–and now sit here and trying to write and it still goes on–to us that is ABUSE–when you make the choice to continue, after knowing, watching, and experiencing–so plz do NOT ever tell me you care about us ever again—as we continue to sink further and further and now feel even more alone then ever before–you never really cared

hope to hopeless

how or why to continue survival when you dont even know what you are surviving for anymore 😦 you “hope” that you will finally wake up out of this “madness” this “darkness” and it never happens–you think that maybe this one day someone will finally acknowledge you when you reach out to them in crisis, only to get turned away AGAIN–as the darkness and invisibility continue–or when you try to do the one thing your son (teen son so..) that he wanted for the holidays–something you struggled getting, doing–only to now have him say it isnt “good” enough (so that is the way your mind takes it) because all his teen friends are getting better things–so you finally shout to him that he is getting the phone he wanted so much as you run out of the room in tears because it was suppose to be a surprise–and now the tears flow because your mind plays tricks and all you see now is your unworthiness to all–again–why continue survival when you dont even know what surviving for anymore???

just my thought and mood

thankful for this day finally coming to an end

So glad today is almost over–emotionally drained and I honestly dont think people truly understand–when I say it is lonely this time of year, i mean it in all aspects–it is days like this i truly feel like an orphan–both my parents have passed, and to me it is the “thought”–i always say the little things–yeah i know i am not physically alone–i have my son (whom is the only thing i am greatful for)–but honestly i cant do much for him, no thanksgiving, money for holidays, ect–but for me the lonliness comes from not being thought of–not even a hey thinking of you, or anything–i often wonder if people from my past think of me–not that it really matters–guess it is just a little something, a little light, a little anything that would show i wasnt really a pathetic burden, invisible, ect–there is truly nothing when you are “alone” when you are living with others–it is those little things

but as before, will struggle to survive, will fight my “thoughts”, and continue to be invisible–it is just this time of year it hurts worse

“invisible”

This time of year is hard–sure it is with many people who struggle with MH issues, and such–It is this time of year i wish others truly understood lonly vs lonliness–I honestly dont mind being alone–someone who struggles with depression, honestly I like alone–the quiet, the serenity, the not spinning, no noise, ect–it is very difficult for me to concentrate when 2 things are going on at once–spinning pursues, and then the darkness

however, this time of year i struggle a lot with feeling alone, feeling not really lonly but alone–people say often get over it, be greatful, you have your son, and yeah thankful for him–but it is so much more then that–dont know much of anyone where we live-the one person we do, (someone who lives in the bottom half of the house)-doesnt talk to us much anymore–and that is what makes it so alone–i see gatherings for the holidays, the memories, the turkey, the celebration, the “family/friends”, and even the food–as I sit here with not a word, no food, no celebration, no memories–just lonliness really–not that I need anyone, not that i would really eat either since i struggle with an ED–but even this time of year it is the little things–as others gather sorry but I dont like to hear about them–guess i do, but dont–I often wonder if my “family” even thinks of me and my son anymore–doubt it–were never invited then either when we lived up there–but honestly all I really long for is a thought, a hug, a little thing–a REAL word that says thinking about you and your son today

just feeling invisible, and honestly would be easier if I really was–hate this time of year as the darkness gets darker and darker

and as I write this I know it is me, guess dont blame them, who would want to be around someone like me anyways, someone so pathetic, dark, lost, and such–“I” would–“I would spend it with any of you that has no one if I could”–if you are alone this holiday, sorry, drop a line here, I will listen, and read–and if youre not, please understand the pain for those who are and reach out to them–just a little hey thinking of you might be the one thing that gives them hope through the holidays

Fear of the uncertainty

I really was not wanting to write about the election–but dont have anyone else to vent too–i did write to one FB friend who understands but no one irl so plz bear with “us”-The presidential election this year, the time it lead up to it was very triggering to us–in a way that is hard to explain at times–personally didnt agree with any candidate–and honestly dont vote–for our own personal reasons at this time, some MH related–I did vote twice in my lifetime, but honestly they were forced because at that time I worked for a public, elected official and was “threatened” to vote–he was a power hungry person, so truth be told I went to vote but did not check his box–he was a huge bully where I worked, a judge to be honest–the experiences there lead into some of my ptsd stuff, anxiety and depression and i soon “quit”–anyways that is part of why this election and what lead up to it was so triggering–I was watching a bully, a person who spoke nasty things, had “alleged offenses” of sexual assault, intimidation, ect (something I to experienced, but where I worked was never believed anyways) and maybe with this candidate it was not true, but i tend to eerr on the side of caution–but the hate words between candidates, the hate between political parties, religions, america in general, ect–WOW–the words, the bullying, that it was okay to treat people that way–again as my mind was triggered because I too was bullied and to watch that, and have my teen son watch that–was very hard–but like everyone else was glued to this election–was over consuming, overwelming to us as we wanted to know “why” people liked either candidate–was waiting the whole time what do they have to offer??? at that point would have voted third party–but if had to choose this year would have voted purely on respect–which is good, never really knew the issues anyways 🙂 that being said we did hear all the negative talk, and further the negative talk about people like “us”, those with MH issues at one point he wanted to lock us all up, the “crazies” he said–and it was and now even harder to explain that to my teen son that it takes alot for that to happen–but honestly the “fear” is inside–the fear is there and yeah we udnerstand why people would think of “su” as an answer–again not there at this moment, but totally understand from that perspective–and the thought of hearing that assistance to people will be cut, ect–scary too–and to see the division in the world, in the america during, and even now after the election–even lost some friends over it (online ones) not because whom they voted or didnt voted for, but the disrespectful hate towards others the belittling, the words of meanness–to us bullying, yeah people have freedom of speech, and honestly would have loved to see some of the positives of either candidate, but the hate, the name calling, pure bullying (at least in our opinion)

for us we are full of uncertainty–scientifically the results were a surprise, shock–spiritually it gives us fear (something will write about in our other blog)–but personally it gives us confusion, fear of the unknown, not understanding, ect–survival in our life will be just that as the darkness takes hold and the results sets in, trying to explain to our son, but also trying to explain and calm ourselves

Because..regardless the results came down, and as we went to bed that night faded away in fear, again fear of the unknown, fear of the certainty, fear of the seperating, fear of what might happen to “us” and fear of the future for my son

I truly pray for the new incumbent president–I truly hope he can change things and give us “hope” and not “fear”–bring us together, not separate–people voted and i truly pray they get what they are hoping for, and I will hand it over to prayers myself–Good Luck Mr. President–honestly anyone who got voted in would need it